Those screaming slobs at the health care town hall meetings got ya down? Forget ’em.

In fact, forget about health care. If you get a nasty case of the piggie flu this fall, just pop a couple Bayer, open a vat of Vicks and buck it up.

(Note to animal-rights goons: I don’t mean Michael Vicks!)

Go ahead, Grumpies, forget your troubles — ’cuz your grand poobah of tackle football is in da house.

That’s right, I’m back and totally refreshed from a summer in the Florida Lawn Bowling League, where I subbed in for a recently widowed 80-something named Bessie when her ankles were too swollen to compete.

Next year, if I work hard, the coach promised me a starting position.

For the past nine months of prep football drought, I’ve had just one thing on my mind. Well, two things, actually, if you count my scheming to get $4,500 of Cash-for-Clunkers money in my pocket while still driving my beloved 1979 ’Bago across this great country of ours.

My wife, Eleanor, did NOT find it amusing when I stuck an old license plate on her backside and tried to trade her in at the Ford dealership in Microwave Breath, Fla., at the end of July.

Mainly, I’ve been dreaming of hearing that pad-poppin’ gridiron music that’s played at such a high pitch here in Cowblitz County. Those tunes are just that much sweeter when paired with a fine glass of root beer and a grilled Rocket Burger, or an extra-jumbo cardboard platter of Lumberjack nachos.

In case ya’ll haven’t noticed, Da Grump is ready for some football.

While I may have missed out on the clunker dough, I’m pretty sure I am still in the running for some serious Obama-endorsed stimulus moolah.

I mean, c’mon, Grumpies. What is more stim-u-latin’ than some serious high school football?

For starters, the Rainier Columbians’ riverboat captain, Thunderin’ Thor Ware, is talking up his gigantic, creature-like, fast-as-SCUD-missiles offensive line. Thor, too, claims to have some ball-handlers that are more slippery than a bucket o’ smelt and as mean as a cooler of catfish.

Woo-heee! Could anything be more stim-u-latin’ than those River Rats making a run for the Orygun state title? Health care reform? Give me a Grump-sized break and write me a check for about $700 billion.

Need more reason to roll out of bed on Friday afternoons? At Mark Morris, the M&Mers have been busy smackin’ all summer in preparation for a run at the 2A state playoffs. Nothing sends a chill up Grumpie’s hairy back than watching enemy boys line up against some of the massive trench weapons ol’ Coach Perkins has in his Baby Blue arsenal, including my man Mr. Welch.

In the Land of Orange, down the freeway at Kalama Tech, Coach Buchanan has reloaded once again and should have the Nookies ready to challenge for the Trico trophy. And, well, if you’re interested in some stim-u-latin’ nourishment, remember that Kalama is home to the Wild Bill Burger (e-mail me for details).

As for the rest of the area, make sure to catch the action at R.A. Long, where the Jackies have a new wing-ding offense guaranteed to stim-u-late your gridiron mojo; at Woodland, where gunslinger Trevor Hurn’s golden right arm and the soft hands of Shane Brady should turn some heads; and at The Rock, where Crazy Legs Tinney goes in search of some serious numbers … like 2,000!

I gotta run now, Grump Disciples. Got me a meeting with Prez Obama to discuss other ways to stimulate the economy. I’m thinkin’ Super-Burrito-For-Clunkers.

In the meantime, take these sure-fire picks to the stadium with ya tonight …

PREPS

Woodland at Kalama: This has become a Week 1 staple of each season, and every year it’s like the staple is poking into my brain. Tough one here, Grumpies, but I’ll have to go with the home-standing Nookies to win a low-scoring tussle.

Phi Jamma Kalama 13, Mean Green Machine 7

Wahkiakum at Naselle: Nothing like kicking it all off with the KM Mountain Trophy Game. I once went camping on KM Mountain and froze my rear off. OK, well, this one’s gonna be a guaranteed classic. It’s Coach Eaton (captain of the Comet Cruiser) vs. Coach Hammer (captain of the Mule Train). In the end, I believe Hammer’s boys will make a few more plays.

Mule Train 22, N-Town 18

R.A. Long at Fort Vancouver: The Jackies have tons of thrilling offensive weapons that just need to let loose. Folks, keep an eye on these guys ’cuz they’re gonna roll up some numbers. J and Willie move the chains, and watch for ol’ Golden Graham to make some plays from his MLB spot.

Back In Black 35, Burning Fort 20

Castle Rock at Rochester: The defending Trico kings lost a couple of big-time gridders to graduation, but Coach Art’s cupboard is anything but bare. Watch for Tinney to cut loose behind that O-line for three TDs.

Rock Solid 27, Exit 88B Boys 7

Kelso at Mark Morris: Two good offenses, yes, but Grumpie thinks the defenses will play a huge part in the outcome of this cross-river dillywagger. M&Mers will probably wear down the Domers in the second half, maybe even late, and come away with their third straight victory against the much-improved Scotties.

Baby Blue Bashers 24, Golden Domers 16

COLLEGES

Portland State at Oregon State: Had brews with Jerry Glanville, the PSU head coach, way back when. Nice dude. Pretty funny. But what’s NOT funny is the butt-kickin’ da Beavers are gonna slap on his Vikes.

Corn Valley 46, Rose City 10

LSU at Washington: First off, how in the name of Bear Bryant did an SEC team end up TRAVELING for its opener against a Pac-10 team? Dawgs are still a member of the Pac-10, right? Now that Paint Dry Ty is outta town, there is new hope that Coach Sark can turn around the boat. However … ain’t gonna happen on Saturday.

Bayou Bengals 36, Montlake 17

Stanford at Washington State: After beating Jerry’s Kids from PSU and Paint Dry Ty’s U-Dub JV squad a year ago, the Cougs have their eyes on the big prize this season — a third win. Against anybody. Won’t come against the improved Cardinal, which could push for a bowl berth before it’s all said and done.

Tree Huggers 30, Palouse Palookas 14

San Jose State at USC: A true frosh is starting behind center for So-Cal? Truly weird. This kid’s either going to be the second coming of Carson Palmer or the second coming of Pat Haden. In this one, Pat Haden’s mama could QB this team to a four-TD victory.

Trojan Horses 45, Jose Canseco 9

Alabama at Virginia Tech: Grump has figured this one out. Mike Vick, the dog killer, went to Va-Tech. Bad karma, dude.

Crimson Pride 21, Hokie-Pokies 13

Gridiron Grump’s column appears Fridays in The Daily News during football season. He can be reached at gridgrump@tdn.com