The Daily Scandal Sheet sent me a Western Union correspondence the other day that included a pie chart and graph showing how much money it spent the past two years on the Grump Coaches Breakfast.

2007: $567.18

2008: $603.22 (most of it

bacon)

At the bottom of the correspondence, it read: “Times are tough all over the country, Mr. Grump. So we are slicing your official Coaches Breakfast budget to $15.”

Huh? What in the name of Ed Laulainen Sr. were they talking about?

Fifteen smacks? Pardon me, Scandal Sheet, but you can’t even buy two platters of stuff at Stuffys II for 15 bucks. That won’t even buy enough pumpernickel toast to fill the gullets of four hungry CowBlitz County-area gridiron coaches.

I was unwilling to scrap the Grump Coaches Breakfast, so Eleanor and I came up with Plan B. I would drop her off at the supermarket with the big “S” on the front Thursday morn, then — as usual — make the rounds to pick up the coaches: Erik Bertram of the RAL Jackies, Shawn Perkins of the M&M Baby Blue Marauders, Mark Greenleaf of the Woodland Mean Greenleaf Machine and Thor Ware of the Rainier River Captains.

Since Coach Thor gets up earlier than everyone else because of his little Thors, I drove across the big bridge to nab him first. I warned him that he wouldn’t be able to devour 76 slices of bacon again this year.

“That’s OK,” he responded. “I like sausage better, anyway.”

Next, I floored the ’Bago out to I-5, where we swung by and picked up ol’ Greenleaf. He had just finished an hour on the StairMaster, so he was raring to go and very, very hungry.

“Thanks for the invite again, Grumpmeister. I love me some Stuffys,” he muttered.

After motoring back to L-Town at speeds of up to 43 mph, we found Bertram’s house. He already had his game face on for the Halloween Eve clash against the M&Mers in the Civil War, which will determine the league cham-peen.

“No questions about the Civil War, Grump. Got it?” Coach B warned. “We’re concentrating on Ridgefield. I believe they’re called the Spudders. That reminds me. I’d sure like to have me some of Stuffys’ fine hash browns on this fine morning.”

Perkins didn’t want to hear any Civil War talk, either. But judging by the way he and Bertram were dishing stink eyes at each other, the CW gamesmanship was already beginning.

“Uh, Grump, just make sure I get some bacon this year and our friend from Rainier doesn’t hog it all,” Coach P said.

I figured it was a good time to announce to the coaches that we weren’t heading to Stuffys. Instead, we were picking up my lovely bride, and she and I would be preparing a homemade Grump-style breakfast.

After convincing the coaches that I had not kidnapped them under false breakfast pretenses, the fumbletastic foursome packed around the Winnebago dining table and promptly wielded their forks.

“Supersonic nachos? For breakfast?” barked Coach Thor.

“Chili pancakes? You know what this will do to me while I’m standing on the sideline?” asked Perkins.

Oh, and I suppose nobody ever had teriyaki corn on the cob for breakfast, either?

Well, Grumpies, let’s just say nobody went home hungry. There was an unplanned stop at Walgreens for Maalox, but each of these fine gridiron mentors feasted and laughed, then exchanged predictions about what might happen in the upcoming playoffs.

And, if I’m not mistaken, Greenleaf made off with an extra helping of ’Bago Beef Tips, fresh off the radiator.

Good luck to all four coaches in their battles this evening. And if any of them are in need of the team doctor before halftime, don’t blame me. Blame Eleanor.

Last week’s pathetic 0-5 effort in the pros cost Da Grump dearly, folks. But even with an 8-7 performance, my season mark is still rather sparkling at 70-30 heading into these gems …

PREPS

Clatskanie at Rainier: Well, the Highway 30 Hootenanny isn’t as competitive as it used to be, thanks to the River Captains. But don’t give up on the C-Town Tiggers tonight. They’ll still muster some offense, but R-Town’s offense has way too many prongs.

Thor’s Thumpers 54, C-Town 22

Hockinson at Mark Morris: No problem here, Coach P, your boys are gonna pluck the Hawks with a running game that purrs like a Mercedes. Watch for QB Scotty to air it out a bit as we inch closer to the Civil War and the postseason.

M&Mers 35, Sock Hock 0

Castle Rock at La Center: Rock is a bit more balanced than LC, and that will come in handy late in the contest when the Trico title is hanging in the balance. If Coach Art’s boys can slow down that Dillon kid, they’ll wear the crown.

Rock Solid 20, Mildcats 16

Winlock at Toledo: They’ve been playing this Battle of the Cowlitz since FDR was in office, so these rivals have gritty history. In the end, it’ll be Coach Herbst’s troops who pound away at the smaller Cards.

Tribe 27, Eggville 12

Kalama at Stevenson: The ’Nookies have their playoff backs against the wall in this one after stumblin’ and bumblin’ at home vs. Pale Salmon last week. No way they’re gonna go down this week without a monumental fight.

Phi Slamma Kalama 24, Gorge Dwellers 20

COLLEGES

Washington State at Cal: Not sure if Da Cougs have anyone who can hold that Best fella under 200 yards. Even if they do, there’s still a matter of stopping Cal’s passing attack. By the way, how much longer does Wulff have a job?

Berkeley Bears 31, Palouse Palookas 10

Oregon State at USC: Don’t look now, but the SoCal Horses are starting to put it all together. Beavos will give ’em a fight in the first half, but don’t look for a repeat of last season if you’re an orange-and-black lover.

Trojan Horses 36, Corn Valley 21

Oregon at Washington: Grump would like to tell all of you Purple Pride folks that this one’s gonna be a Dawgfight. But hey, those stinkin’ Ducklings are on a roll, and with Masoli back at the controls, they’ll roll out another win in this series.

YouGene Hippies 38, Montlake 20

Arizona State at Stanford: Denny’s Pitchforks lucked out a week ago against the hapless Huskies secondary, which apparently decided to step out for popcorn with 13 seconds to go in a tie game. This week, no such luck on the road.

Tree Huggers 23, Satan Worshipers 17

Auburn at LSU: Tigers vs. Tigers in this one, but the Tigers in the gold helmets will have the upper hand on defense in this SEC grudge match.

Bayou Tigers 20, Bo Jackson’s alma mater 7

PROS

Minnesota at Pittsburgh: Brett vs. Big Ben? Well, Ben’s team still has more weapons and enough defensive behemoths to put pressure on the old crusty QB.

SteelSlobs 27, Vikes 17

Atlanta at Dallas: Maybe these Cow Pokes miss T.O. Maybe they just stink. Whatever it is, they sure don’t look like a typical Dallas squad. Fire Wade and hire Holmgren!

Dirty Birds 30, Romo Sucks 27

Chicago at Cincinnati: Not sure which Cincy team will show up. Doesn’t really matter, because whichever one it is, Chi-Town should be able to muscle out a victory.

Da Bears 17, Bungles 13

New England vs. Tampa Bay at London: How many TDs will Pretty Boy Tom throw for in the first three quarters of this one? Shouldn’t be quite as ugly as last week’s 59-zip whitewash of Tennessee, but it’ll be close.

Patsies 41, Bay of Pigs 14

N.Y. Jets at Oakland: Was it a fluke last week when Marky-Mark Sanchez tossed five INTs vs. the hapless Bills? Was it a fluke when the Raid-duhs knocked off a good Eagles team last week? Yes and yes.

Nyets 21, Al Davis’ Sweatsuit 10

Gridiron Grump’s column appears Fridays during football season. He can be reached at gridgrump@tdn.com