As you probably know, Grumpies, I tend to lag behind a bit on national news and world happenings during the football season.

Is ol’ Billy “White Shoes” Clinton still our prez?

Is GM still cranking out smooth-running, Detroit-made vehicles and turning a big-time profit?

Did we beat those commy Russians in ice hockey at the last Olympics?

OK, so Wolf Blitzer I ain’t.

But the other day, I accidentally tuned in to an ESPeaN highlight reel and saw Cincinnati Bungles receiver Chad Johnson wearing a jersey with “OCHOCINCO” on the back.

Ocho cinco? I’m pretty sure that means “eight five.” Not 85, mind you, the number on Chaddy’s jersey. That would be “ochento y cinco” in Spanish.

You shouldn’t be shocked that I know some Spanish. I spent a little time “way down south” years ago and got a few speeding tickets for hitting ochento y cinco when the ’Bago was brand new.

Man, that thing could fly, especially when being chased by a bandito on horseback.

I decided to do a little research on the subject (i.e., I asked Eleanor). So she flipped on her laptop and — here’s where things get goofy — it turns out Chad “Loco in la Cabeza” Johnson decided, just for fun, to legally change his name to the nickname he gave himself a few years back: Ocho Cinco.

Way to go, Chaddy. Real mature, dude.

Nicknames are fine. But you don’t see me changing my legal name to “Gridiron Grump.” I was born Henry Foglestein and my tombstone will read Henry Foglestein.

Wait! Hold the Sports Illustrated football phone! I just got an idea. I could change my name to Henry Mucho Nacho! Oops. That one just got the big kibosh from Eleanor (guess she doesn’t want to have her Bingo card changed to Eleanor Mucho Nacho).

Perhaps nicknames should stay nicknames. Who wants to go into a bank for a meeting with the president, just to find out that his official name plate reads, “Robert Reefer Head, CEO.”

Do you think Marilyn Monroe would have hooked up with Joe DiMaggio if the marriage certificate had read, “Marilyn The Yankee Clipper?” Do you think Reggie Jackson signs his Social Security checks “Mr. October?”

And what about Denton True Young, baseball’s first great pitcher — “Cyclone,” or “Cy” for short? OK, bad example. “Cyclone” is a cool nickname. Nobody wants to win the Denton Young Award for pitching.

Speaking of cool names, there are a handful of CowBlitz-area grid folk who I’d like to help out.

Say hello to Kelso tailback Lane “Get Outta My Way Or You’ll Be” Sari.

Castle Rock tailback Chris “Metal-Head” Tinney.

Mark Morris lineman Jake “The Snake Charmer” Welch.

R.A. Long receiver J “The Initial” Nusbaum.

Kelso radio announcer Kirc “Red Hot And” Roland.

So there you go, Chaddy. Change that moniker back to Johnson or plan on being the best wide receiver of all time so the NFL names a prize after you — The Loco in la Cabeza Award.

Note to fullback/linebacker Andrew Allen, 2008 Rainier grad: If you’re thinking about changing your name to “A-Train,” you go right ahead, son. Compliments of Da Grump.

Looks like I followed by my near-perfecto 14-1 effort of two weeks ago with a rather boring 9-6 last week, Grumpies. But my season mark is still an eye-popping 62-23, heading into these sure-fire gems …

PREPS

Ridgefield at Mark Morris: Spuds are mashed before they step off the big yellow bus. The only thing that can slow down these M&Mers now are the Jackies on Halloween Eve (we’ll see). Big night for the defense, especially Beck, Big Jake and that nasty LB Mr. McCoy.

Coach P’s Punishers 34, Spuds McKenzie 0

R.A. Long at Washougal: Jackies, coming off huge home wins against the Beavos and Hawks, must beware of this road trap game. Take ’em seriously, Jackies. See if McCall can plow through those Panthers early, then show ’em how to air it out with Captain Yordy and his pals.

Nichols Boulevard 28, Dougal 14

Heritage at Kelso: The Domers are quickly becoming one of the feel-good stories of the fall. But nothing would feel “gooder” than a big W against the Wolf puppies. Coach Pat will feed that Sari kid and bruiser O’Neil early and often, and watch for at least one more defensive TD.

Golden Domers 34, Puppies 22

Stevenson at Castle Rock: This Stevie quad has a decent passing game, which will make the Rockets squirm a little. Watch for a huge second half from Coach Art’s kids, with Tinney chewing up yards and the secondary picking off a pair … or three.

Rock Solid 26, Bulldoggies 13

White Salmon at Kalama: Won’t ever be close. OK, maybe it’ll be tied when they line up for the opening boot. But soon after, it’ll be the law firm of Wilfong, McVicker and Oomittuk who win a huge class-action judgment against the OTHER Gorge dwellers.

Phi Slamma Kalama 36, Brewins 8

Editor's note: A previous version of this column listed incorrect opponents for Castle Rock and Kalama. The corrected version of the column, which appeared in Friday's print edition of The Daily News, appears above.

COLLEGES

Washington at Arizona State: OK, well, the Dawgs got a wild win against the OTHER ’Zona team last week when that crazy ball bounced off that Mildcat’s shoe. This week, the shoe’s on the other foot. Dawgs can’t defend a lick and Denny’s squad is due.

Pitchforks 31, Montlake 27

Hawaii at Idaho: Huh? You really mean it? The Vandals are 5-1 and got a vote in the Top 25 this week? The Kibbie Dome barn dwellers? Don’t look now, but Idaho — yep, EYE-DEE-HO — is good in football. The surprise season continues at home with a W vs. the Islanders.

Moscow USA 46, Team Formerly Known As Rainbow Warriors 31

USC at Notre Dame: Fat Charlie’s Leprechauns should have two or three losses by now, but they’re lucky. Well, the luck stops here this week. Trojans show ’em what Pac-10 defense is all about (apologies to UW).

Trojan Horses 30, Irish Spring 17

Oklahoma vs. Texas at Dallas: Should be a dandy, with Sammy Bradford back in the saddle for the Sooners just in time to match ol’ Colt McCoy bullet for bullet. In the end, ’Horns just have too many weapons.

Hook ’Em ’Horns 24, Boomer Sooners 20

Cal at UCLA: Berkeley gets back on track after recent disasters and nudges Neuheisel’s team a little closer to bowl non-eligibility.

Golden Bear Cubs 23, LA-LA Land 9

PROS

Kansas City at Washington: Oh my, how the Z-Man has fallen. Looks like ’Skins head man Jimmy Zorn, the former SeaSlobs signal-caller, will need to get this one to keep his job. Good thing it’s against the AFC West bottom dwellers.

Jimmy Saves His Job 19, K.C. Masterpiece 14

Philadelphia at Oakland: Al Davis must realize by now that he needs to disappear into the owner’s box, wearing his circa-1977 sweatsuit, and leave any and all football decisions up to men who were born in this century.

Philly 42, Raid-duhs 20

Chicago at Atlanta: Not sure I’m sold on the Dirty Birds being a Super Bowl contender, just because they got ’em a new tight end.

Da Bears 21, The Falconer 20

Arizona at Seattle: With Hass, this team really kicks … (sorry, that was about to be PG-rated). Hasselbeck keeps it cranking this week to make it an even 3-3 heading into the bye week. And would somebody tell that Schmitt fella to take it easy on himself?

SeaSlobs 26, ’Zona 20

N.Y. Giants at New Orleans: Definitely the game of the week. Might be a true-blue shootout, with the guys in blue (OK, they’ll be wearing road white) having the last laugh against Brees and the Aints.

G-Men 33, NarLeans 27

Gridiron Grump’s column appears Fridays during football season. He can be reached at gridgrump@tdn.com