Well, Grumpies, it happened. I came down with swine flu.

I know we’re not supposed to call it the swine flu. I know that all the bad pork rap is hurting the pig farming industry. Don’t blame me, I love bacon.

Hickory-smoked pepper bacon.

Maple-glazed bacon.

Bacon smothered in hamburger gravy.

Hey, I’m certainly not holding back on my pork consumption during this international crisis.

So, Grumpies, I somehow managed to get infested with the H1N1G1 flu. (G1 for Grump 1.) My bacon-hatin’ bride, Eleanor, says it wasn’t the swine flu or the alphabet flu or any kind of flu. She claims it’s because I eat like a pig.

Let’s recap Da Grump’s last weekend:

• I crossed the rumblin’ river to watch Thor Ware’s River Rats dismantle the Wildcats from Glide High School. Glide, Ore.? The way Thor’s Thumpers abused them, it was more like Gored, Ore.

While in the metropolis of Rainier, I enjoyed the game while putting away one of those Columbian burgers with extra grilled onions. Maybe it was two burgers. OK, so maybe my burger count matched the TD count of young Matthew Cathcart and Curtis “Dirty Curt” Kauffman.

Four each!

• On Saturday, I crossed the river again to take in the first half of the Clatskanie El Tigres’ lowering the boom on the Toledo Boomers. Where the heck is Toledo, Ore.? While in Tigerland, I naturally parked the ’Bago in front of Bundy’s Drive-In, and a pretty young gal showed up at my window to take my order.

Did you know the large helping of tater tots at Bundy’s is extra tasty when combined with cheese fries and a chili burger?

• From there, I zipped back across the state line to absorb the second half of the M&Mers’ playoff joust against the Interlake Saints. When the boys in baby blue were done with ’em, they were more like In The Lake — without a paddle, baby!

I liked the way ol’ Crazy Legs Kinder, Bulldozer Braydon, Footloose Feeney, Mr. Wilson and Wolfie were galloping behind that big O-line. (By the way, watch out, Ellen’s Burg, the boys in blue are coming for ya.)

While at L-Town Memorial Stadium … 35 points for MM, 35 trips to the concession stand. I do my part to support the team.

So whether it was a result of the H1N1G1 or a major gastro-intestinal glut, I was sick for a few days. Let’s just say I was “incapacitated” and had to remain locked in the ’Bago, so not to harm my fellow citizens.

Fortunately, our current RV park had satellite television to keep me occupied during my recuperation. Unfortunately, daytime TV is really bad. Jerry Springer really needs to get in a bus accident very soon.

I’m all better, Grumpies. Up and at ’em, as they say. I’m ready to predict the games and follow the M&Mers to Kenny Wick for that massive quarterfinal matchup with No. 1 Ellen’s Burg.

Rumor has it, ol’ Kenny has a greasy spoon that specializes in bacon-wrapped corn on the cob.

Last week’s 10-5 effort brings my season total to 112-48 heading into these sure-fire gems …

PREPS

Auburn at Skyview: Those Tro-JUNS from King County make the trek to The Couv, where the Storm awaits. Hey, city slickers, get ready for a wind gust that’ll blow off those golden bonnets!

Stormin’ Normans 20, Aw Burn 13

Rainier at Santiam Christian: The Christians won a 3-0 fluke at R-Town a few months ago. Da Grump thinks the River Rats are a whole new machine now. Watch for Matthew, Skeans, The Marshall and Dirty Curt to hammer out big yards behind that line.

Thor’s Thumpers 24, Bible Thumpers 14

Clatskanie at Amity: It was a good run for the El Tigres, and the tater tots were quite lovely at Bundy’s. But these Greyhounds mean business and they’d like to play Rainier in the title game.

Hounds 32, El Tigres 12

Archbishop Murphy at W.F. West: This could be the best game of the week, any level, anywhere. Too bad the WIAA has its head up its you-know-where. This one should happen in the title game, not the quarters.

Father Murphy 27, B’Cats 21

Mark Morris at Ellensburg: This is it, Baby Blue backers, the biggest football game since, well, since ol’ Billy Carter’s brother was in office. It’s gonna come down to Perkins’ boys stopping Ellen’s passing game, or Ellen stopping the M&Mers’ rushing attack. The more likely of the two? You guessed it.

Baby Blue Marauders 28, Ellen’s Burg 19

COLLEGE

Oregon State at Washington State: Why bother? I could say something here about the Beavs needing to win this one to stay alive for the Rose Bowl, but why bother? Jaquizz cracks century mark before halftime.

Corn Valley 37, Palouse Palookas 10

Arizona State at UCLA: Don’t look now, but New Weasel’s team has won one in a row! Denny’s squad gets back to defending after last week’s defensive debacle vs. Ducklings.

Devil Worshipers 24, LA-LA Land 16

Air Force at BYU: Me thinks the military fellas will make the Mormons sweat before flying their jets into the side of a mountain.

Stormin’ Mormons 31, USAFA 21

Cal at Stanford: Looks like Da Cardinal is on a nice roll, and the only thing that can stop ’em is the Stanford band (circa 1982).

Tree Huggers 33, Berkeley Hippies 17

Oregon at Arizona: Shouldn’t be much of a problem for the Ducklings, who seem to have that offense cranked up to BCS standards. ’Zona has been a pretender for too long.

YouGene Hippies 40, Mildcats 23

PROS

Seattle at Minnesota: Can the SeaSlobs just take a knee for the rest of the season? I mean, really tank it so we can take a QB and a few O-linemen really high in next year’s draft? Fav-ruh carves up that hapless secondary.

Vikes 27, SeaSlobs 14

San Diego at Denver: Can lightning strike twice for the Mile High Club, which defeated the Bolts once already this season? Me sez no. Denver is finally playing like Denver, which is good for the SeaSlobs since they have Denver’s first-round pick next season.

Charge Cards 23, Broncs 20

Cleveland at Detroit: To borrow a line from Fox Sports’ NFL pregame talking head Jimmy “How’s My Hair?” Johnson, we’ll call this one the Milk Bowl — because it’s only being shown to 2 percent of the country.

Motor City Kitties 17, Brady Quinn’s A Pretty Boy 10

N.Y. Jets at New England: Whoa, Hoodie, nice call last week vs. Indy. Seriously, you showed ’em how big your, um, “things” were and went for it. And now you look dumber than Sarah Palin on the “CBS Evening News With Katie Couric.”

Patsies 31, Nyets 13

Atlanta at N.Y. Giants: Could the G-Men possibly lose five straight? No way. Then again, I’m the same gentleman who said they couldn’t possibly lose four straight.

G-Men 20, Dirty Birds 14

Gridiron Grump’s column appears Fridays during football season. He can be reached at gridgrump@tdn.com