Column by Rick S. Alvord

Sports Editor

RAINIER — You’re in a school bus traveling west on Highway 30, hundreds of miles away from home.

It’s 37 degrees, slimy wet and there’s a football game to play somewhere up around the bend.

The bus driver shifts down as she attacks the steep, two-lane grade. The Columbia River is to your right, framed in the background by several industrial steam plumes.

It’s getting darker and colder. You speculate whether they even get an AM radio signal up here.

The bus makes a left turn at the top of the hill. The first landmark you see is a graveyard.

As omens go, this one is rotten.

You spot the Friday night lights through the thick forest. The football field is slick and muddy. The fifth-ranked Rainier Columbians, decked out solid black for the playoffs, are about to fire up the oven.

You are what’s for dinner.

For the Glide Wildcats, their not-so-excellent journey north to the Oregon sticks was like living Chapter 62 of a Stephen King horror novel. A five-hour bus ride, followed by a 62-6 shellacking in the opening round of the Class 3A state playoffs.

Uh-huh. Sixty-two.

Pardon the Wildcats if they experienced creepy dreams on the trip back to southern Oregon.

There was the plethora of onside kicks (four successful; three in the first half), the cruel concoction of head coach Thor Ware, who figured the best way to keep Glide’s spread offense bottled up was to keep it on the sideline.

There was 260-pound fullback Curtis Kauffman, a bruiser nicknamed “Dirty Curt,” whose high-octane motor, quick feet and penchant for mowing down defenders like dominos left the Wildcats battered and sore.

And there was everything else.

The quick wingbacks who found the corners like skitter-bugs hopped up on Red Bull.

The offensive line, anchored by 287-pound junior center Nick Huelter, which devoured the ’Cats from the get-go.

The secondary, which had four interceptions against Glide gunslinger Landon Weimar — two by sophomore Marshall Dean.

Thanks for coming. Drive home safely.

This particular Rainier squad, however, doesn’t just show up 10 minutes before kickoff, throw on those black uniforms and kick tail for 48 minutes.

There is a method to the Columbians’ gridiron madness. And it begins with Ware, who’s in his seventh season up on the hill.

Ware’s own assistant coaches call him a “football junkie.” He has been known to get behind the wheel of his automobile following a Friday night victory, drive to some remote location and swap game film of next week’s opponent with another coach in the middle of the night.

“He’s intense when it comes to football, and not just on game days. The man lives and breathes football,” said Rainier assistant Dan Foultner said. “(Friday night) he’ll have the film from this game broken down. And he’ll watch it four times.”

Ware sent his “camera guy” to film Santiam Christian’s 40-6 victory over Sheridan at Corvallis High School on Friday night. The Columbians hope to avenge a 3-0 loss to Santiam when they meet in next week’s quarterfinals.

“I told him to make sure he gets back here as soon as possible without speeding, so I can stay up and have a game plan put together by (tonight),” Ware said. “I am not sure if I’ll sleep. I might get a nap in, depending on if my kids let me.”

Despite his Columbians being heavy favorites, Ware was his typical nervous self prior to Friday’s matchup against Glide.

Like he always does a half-hour before home games, Ware made his way to the press box to scarf up a handful of chicken wings from the Applebees mini-buffet spread.

As usual, he couldn’t keep them down.

“I always go back and get four more after that, and then I’m usually fine,” Ware said. “I can’t help it. I’m nervous. I have things in my mind. Are we prepared? Did I remember everything? I have to know everything and I want to make sure I know it.”

Judging by how well his team performed in its postseason opener Friday, the head coach was prepared to Belichick proportions.

Just ask the Glide Wildcats, whose state title hopes seemingly tumbled over the highway guardrail before they reached the top of that dark hill.