Column by Rick S. Alvord

Sports Editor

The calendar says it’s Feb. 14, so romance is in the air.

Or maybe there was a steam release at the mill.

When Valentine’s Day falls on Saturday, it qualifies as a sports fanatic’s nightmare. Why? Because instead of it being on Tuesday or Wednesday, when you can “celebrate” the evening with a hot dinner and that cold, cold Simon dude on “American Idol,” your Valentine’s Saturday is an all-day affair.

Forget about sleeping in, fellas. It’s over. You lost. Deal with it. The calendar is not your friend.

And if you had plans to watch some professional golf from scenic Pebble Beach on the tube or a Pac-10 college hoop contest later this evening, well, you might want to check in with the Reality Police.

To prepare you for today’s heart-shaped festivities, here’s a little pregame quiz to get you warmed up:

(Note: 9-10 correct answers — EXPERT; 6-8 correct answers — SMART GUY; 3-5 correct answers — BORDERLINE MORON; 0-2 correct answers — CALL THE ATTORNEY) …

1. If your lady expects breakfast in bed, you should:

A. Scramble some eggs.

B. Call your mother, get her Belgian waffles recipe, prepare Belgian waffles to the best of your capabilities.

C. Break open the 12-pound crate of Costco muffins; pour glass of OJ.

D. Scurry out to your golf bag and pray that the Power Bar from last weekend didn’t melt.

2. When breakfast is finished, you should stare into your lady’s eyes and lovingly offer up a driving trip to:

A. The day salon that offers hot-rock aroma therapy (you pay; she snuggles up with rocks).

B. Bed, Bath & Beyond.

C. The organic vegetable stand down the road.

D. The cable TV office so you can pre-order next month’s Ultimate Fighting Championships before the price goes up.

3. When you’re getting ready for the trip to Bed, Bath & Beyond and your partner asks if she looks fat in her new jeans, you should tell her:

A. “Absolutely not.”

B. “Are you kidding? Jessica Simpson should look so good!”

C. “Of course not, honey. Somewhere, Calvin Klein is smiling.”

D. “Compared to what?”

4. If your partner asks for help in planning an outdoor activity for the afternoon, just for the two of you, go ahead and suggest:

A. A picnic on a blanket at Lake Sacajawea.

B. A leisurely hike near Mount St. Helens.

C. Tennis at John Null Park.

D. A six-pack on the back nine at Mint Valley.

5. You have five bucks in your pocket. While your lady is in the shower getting ready for the big day, you should sneak out to Safeway and purchase:

A. An over-the-top, lay-it-on-thick Valentine’s Day card that includes every lame, romantic line to ever pass through Hallmark headquarters.

B. A semi-humorous Valentine’s Day card with cuddly animals on it.

C. A heart-shaped card that’s blank inside so you can tell her exactly how you feel.

D. The 2009 Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. Why? Because skinny, almost nude ladies need love, too.

6. When choosing between chocolates and flowers, you should definitely:

A. Go with the chocolates, unless she didn’t like your “jeans” answer.

B. Go with the flowers.

C. Don’t just go with the flowers, go with the long-stem roses.

D. Buy yourself a jumbo bag of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and make sure the cemetery is open on the drive home.

7. If, for some reason, you end up at the mall:

A. Make sure you avoid jewelry stores.

B. Make sure you avoid the ice cream parlor. To be honest, YOU don’t look very hot in your jeans right now.

C. Make sure you avoid Bath & Body Works.

D. When she inevitably wanders into the jewelry store, hustle off to the Sears electronics department to check the score of the Huskies game.

8. When you get home and she wants to put in the “Sleepless In Seattle” DVD, you should:

A. Kindly suggest another movie — that old classic “Alien vs. Predator.”

B. Make yourself useful and prepare the popcorn.

C. Declare your love for Meg Ryan.

D. When she’s not looking, Frisbee that “Sleepless” disc over the back-yard fence.

9. When the mood is right and the two of you are soaking in separate bath tubs, just like on the commercial, you should playfully call yourself:

A. The Tiger Woods of scoring (outright lie).

B. The Alex Rodriguez of love (especially if you’re relying on a foreign substance).

C. The Rafael Nadal of romance (Latin men are en fuego!).

D. The Richie Sexson of … (one, two, three strikes, you’re out!)

10. When the day is over and you’re drifting off to sleep, you should:

A. Be thankful that somebody on this earth puts up with you.

B. Run off to the fridge to finish off that bag of Peanut Butter Cups.

C. Turn on your side to avoid the snore nudge.

D. Be thankful that Valentine’s Day 2010 is on a … Sunday?

Damn calendar.