Luckless lawbreakers commit the imperfect crimes
Monday, December 29, 2008 6:05 PM PST
By Leslie Slape
Printable version
E-mail this articleThe criminal life apparently attracts more doofuses than it does masterminds judging by this year’s odder reports from the police beat.
Clueless
A 28-year-old thief left a trail of clues that even Inspector Clouseau could follow.
Clue 1: Wearing a Taco Bell cap and carrying a box of auto parts, he went to a woman’s house and, despite having never met her, bragged that he had stolen the box from a vehicle and was going to return the parts to Schuck’s. He also asked if he could come in to get out of the rain. She refused.
Clue 2: She, however, left the house later and while she was gone the home was burglarized. Her Japanese sword was taken. The burglar left behind a Taco Bell cap and a receipt for auto parts.
Clue 3: A friend called the woman and said a man tried to sell him a Japanese sword that looked like hers.
Clue 4: The man tried to return the box of auto parts to Schuck’s. Employees called the person who actually bought the parts, learned they had been stolen and refused to issue a refund. Police put all the clues together and identified the suspect. They didn’t have to look hard for him. By then, he was in jail for failing to register as a sex offender.
Not funny
A Woodland man insisted he was “just joking around” when he pointed a Leatherman tool at a store clerk and said, “This is a robbery.” Another clerk didn’t find the gag funny and called Woodland police. Police arrested the man on suspicion of attempted robbery, but the prosecutor’s office decided not to charge him. Embarrassment was probably punishment enough.
Bad deal
A man and his girlfriend went to a homeless friend’s campsite on the Cowlitz River to watch a generator-powered TV. The TV’s owner didn’t like it when the man turned the channel to watch “Deal or No Deal” and stabbed him. The victim told police the TV’s owner warned him, but he didn’t take the threat seriously because the guy regularly threatens to stab people.
All parties had been drinking.
Wreck, repeat
A drunken Castle Rock man wrecked his Mercedes, walked home and got into his pickup, then wrecked that, too.
Any excuse to party
Claiming to be a guest at the Monticello Hotel, a man invited people in the lounge to lap up the booze on his tab. But when it came time to pay the $324 bill, he “suddenly had no money,” the bartender told Longview police. He also wasn’t a hotel guest.
Officers immediately recognized the merrymaker. They had arrested him a week earlier for carrying stolen checks. He insisted the checks were his, but police found he didn’t know how to spell the name on the checks.
Calling 911
A Kelso woman called 911 to report a neighbor stole her half-smoked cigarettes from an ashtray in the common area of an apartment complex.
In another incident, a Kelso woman called 911 to ask police to make a man stop singing the same song over and over in a loud voice.
Truth in labeling
When a Kelso man opened the door to an officer’s knock, he left in sight a bag of marijuana leaves labeled “Cannabis.”
“Are you growing marijuana?” asked the officer, smelling a telltale odor. The man said no, but evidence found in a search said yes.
Too familar
A Longview man decided to stickup a downtown convience store he frequently shops at. He covered his face with a bandanna, but employees told police they recognized his “distinctive eyes.” Police arrested the stickup man at his Commerce Avenue apartment a block away.
Phony story
A woman received a $1,200 cell phone bill in January and asked her daughter about it. “My phone was stolen in November,” the daughter said. Mother reported the theft to the Cowlitz County Sheriff’s Office. Deputies called some of the numbers on the bill and reached the daughter’s friends, who all said the girl sent them text messages recently — including the day Mom got the bill.
The mother assured deputies her daughter’s punishment would be “more than adequate.”
I’m not drunk
A Tacoma man called 911 to report strangers assaulted him and stole his car keys. The man assured police, “It’s not like I got in an accident, then called you. I’m not that stupid.” Police found the man’s car in a parking lot where the man said it had been stolen. It has substantial damage to the driver’s side and the “victim’s” wallet was in plain sight and no money was missing.
He was arrested on suspicion of drunken driving, hit-and-run and filing a false report.
Doesn’t anyone listen?
At 4:13 p.m., a woman called 911 to report a Ford pickup had just crashed into a mailbox on Pleasant Hill Road. She said two men in the pickup ran away. One minute later, dispatchers received a call from the pickup’s owner, who said the vehicle had been stolen from outside a Longview tavern. Dispatchers could see the 911 call was coming from near the scene of the accident, not the tavern. Deputies soon found the driver and passenger near the wrecked pickup.
Related article:
Key controversies of 2008
LVAlumni wrote on Dec 29, 2008 5:13 AM:
viper wrote on Dec 29, 2008 7:02 AM:
kalama river resident wrote on Dec 29, 2008 7:26 AM:
Lucky7 wrote on Dec 29, 2008 10:32 AM:
Fencepost wrote on Dec 29, 2008 11:27 AM:
Beer&Skittles wrote on Dec 29, 2008 1:48 PM:
2. They already know how to do it, AND, if they watched 20/20, they took issue with how it was done - like they could do it quicker, etc. Probably criticize the show's choice of vehicle to display because it wouldn't bring as much money, etc. "
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