Alvord: Gifts for the naughty and the nice
Thursday, December 11, 2008 2:17 PM PST
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E-mail this articleColumn by Rick S. Alvord
Sports editor
Made our list. Even checked it twice. We definitely know who’s been naughty.
As for nice? We seriously doubt it.
For New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress ...
A holster.
For Illinois Gov. “Hot” Rod Blagojevich ...
A less “fashionable” haircut before you take up residence at Club Fed.
For Portland Trail Blazers center Greg Oden ...
Consistency. Because looking like the second coming of Hakeem Olajuwon one night and a bad imitation of Chris Dudley the next just doesn’t cut it. But hey, you’re fun to watch, so no coal in your stocking, big fella.
For Seattle Seahawks head coach Mike Holmgren ...
A massive do-over, because you definitely deserve better than this on your way out the door.
For Seahawks linebacker Lofa Tatupu ...
A time machine, so we can all go back and enjoy your rookie year — when you were hungry, seemingly made every tackle and had a clue on pass coverage.
For Seahawks wide receiver Deion Branch ...
A healthy 2009. Dude, if what we witnessed last Sunday against the Patriots is any indication, you’re the weapon this offense is sorely missing.
For Mark Morris boys basketball coach Bill Bakamus ...
Nothing. Nada. Goose egg. The ol’ ball coach goes 6-9, 6-9, 6-7 in the middle with a Triple Towers delight of Eric Hutchison, Tyler Sokol and Austin Bragg, if he so chooses. He also has an all-state candidate in the backcourt with Kansas transfer John DeVries. Should be fun to watch this team evolve.
For Dallas Cowboys wide-mouth receiver Terrell Owens ...
A muzzle. Preferably one of those industrial-strength “Silence of the Lambs” models, ala Dr. Lecter.
For fans of the Longview-Kelso dining scene ...
A Chinese buffet. With peanut butter chicken, please. And lots of fried stuff.
For R.A. Long boys basketball coach Rally Wallace ...
Patience. Not that he needs a large dose, because this guy knows how to get the most out of a team while pacing its progress over a 20-game regular season. Of the Lumberjacks’ two seniors, only one saw extensive varsity playing time last season (Taylor Woodruff). Like Mark Morris, this team should be interesting to track after the new year.
For the folks at Fox Sports Northwest, who constantly play the “Hooters Swimsuit Pageant” from Las Vegas whenever it has a gap in live programming ...
A hearty “thank you” from a large chunk of the male population.
For Lower Columbia College men’s basketball coach Jim “Jimmy Ray” Roffler ...
Twelve DVDs of “Raging Bull” (one for each player), so your Red Devils are properly toughened up for the impending NWAACC campaign.
For John Daly, two-time major champion on the PGA Tour and world-class redneck ...
A sober moment to top this classic quote, although we seriously doubt that he can improve on redneck perfection: “When my fourth wife was in jail, I parked my bus at Hooters in Houston and my son didn’t want to go to day care. He just wanted to be at Hooters. And I feel safe about that.”
For Chicago Cubs manager Lou Piniella ...
A better approach to the postseason, because we’re not sure Cubbie Nation can survive another choke job of that magnitude.
For Kelso boys basketball coach Joe Kinch ...
Well, nothing, except maybe a bottle of magic tonic to wipe that smile away. Through two games, the Hilanders are playing inspired basketball — keeping turnovers at a minimum, taking charges, shooting well from the field, hitting the boards, etc. Two games doesn’t make a season, but Holy St. Nick, that’s an impressive start.
For Lower Columbia baseball coach Kelly Smith ...
A southpaw who throws in the 90s, a switch-hitter who bats .420 and a guaranteed deal with The Man Upstairs that his Devils won’t finish second (again) in the NWAACC tournament next May.
For Rainier girls basketball coach Doug Knox ...
An alien-proof force field to protect his players from the slings and arrows of opponents, who want to make sure the Columbians don’t win a second consecutive state championship.
And finally, for Rainier girls basketball star Mollee Schwegler, the reigning Oregon Class 3A State Player of the Year ...
A half-dozen pair of extra sneakers, because those things tend to melt like Velveeta in the microwave when you’re running circles around other players.
Merry Christmas to all.
Anyone know where they’re serving peanut butter chicken for dinner on Dec. 25?
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