Grump not so good at Tom Brady impression
Friday, November 28, 2008 1:01 AM PST
By Gridiron Grump
Printable version
E-mail this articleOn Wednesday morning, my foxy bride Eleanor muttered seven words to me that nearly stopped my heart colder than a Julius Jones drive-killing fumble.
I think she suspected she might be risking the well-being of my ol’ ticker, because the little woman called 911 and had an ambulance on stand-by when she spoke: “It’s your turn to cook Thanksgiving dinner.”
Now, we all know that after more than 40 years of blissful marriage, it probably WAS my turn to prepare the football-watching feast. But since all of us know that Pizza Hut does not deliver bird, mashed potatoes and stuffing, I was in a world of hurt.
Bone-jarring, shoulder-spraining, broken-finger kind of hurt.
When Eleanor didn’t fall for my story that I couldn’t be cooped up in the kitchen because I was on call to fly to D.C. on a moment’s notice to head up Prez-around-the-corner O’Bomba’s financial team, I was desperate.
So, I did the unthinkable — something I swore after last year’s debacle that I would never, ever do.
That’s right, Grump Disciples, I called my Uncle Mel in lovely downtown Vader and accepted his oh-so-kind invitation to dine at his double-wide palace in the country.
Typically, a Turkey Dinner Day at Uncle Mel’s concludes with an ugly blow-up between me, Uncle Mel, and my evil cousins Kelvin, Hank, Tommy and Bobo.
The reason? Football.
Uncle Mel, even for a guy in his 70s, can still apply a pretty decent linebacker blitz in our not-so-friendly Turkey Day three-on-three battle on the moderately frozen tundra.
And, when properly protected by Cousin Kelvin, Uncle Mel can wing a pretty nice fly-route spiral to a streaking Cousin Tommy over the middle.
This particular game always occurs several hours after the official Turkey Dinner Day feast, and is of the tackle-only variety — no flags allowed.
So we fired up the ’Bago and headed north for a 1 p.m. feast. On the way, I talked Eleanor into stopping off at Safeway and grabbing one of those “Complete Turkey Dinners In a Bag.” She scowled at me when I unveiled my plan to take full credit for preparing the meal ahead of time, and personally delivering it to Mel and my slack-jawed relatives.
When we arrived at Mel’s, da Grump was out of excuses for not playing ball with the boys. Not one of them fell for the O’Bomba story, either.
When the table was cleared, we waddled out to the yard, where we went with the usual teams: Me, Bobo and Hank vs. Melvin, Kelvin and Tommy.
Uncle Mel is an Orygun Ducks fan, so true to form, he trotted out wearing a bizarre combination of yellow, green, black and white. He even had a gold helmet. Wait, maybe it was black. Or green. And I think it had feathers.
Bobo and Hank quickly appointed me the QB, tricking me by saying I looked so much like Sexy Beast Tom Brady. I should have remembered that Brady was out for the season.
Bobo was my blocker, Hank my receiver. Problem was, neither one had properly digested their massive meals, so moving faster than a bloated goat was impossible.
Well, Grumpies, I should have come up with a better excuse not to play, because on my first pass attempt, a blitzing Uncle Mel put that shiny golden dome right smack between my rib cage and sternum.
As I flew backward, in what seemed like a Fox-TV super slow-mo replay, I fantasized about what spending the rest of my days behind bars would be like after I ran over Melvin’s skull with the ’Bago. Maybe I could have a cell next to Michael Vick.
On a more festive note, Eleanor and da Grump hope every last Grump Disciple on the planet had a very merry Turkey Dinner Day.
Now feast on these sure-fire, sweeter-than-pecan-pie gems ...
PREPS
Naselle vs. Napavine: Ha! Who’s the only local prognosticator to properly pick last week’s Comet win over the Valley Vikes? Da Grump, that’s who! This week, the Tiggers from Napaveenie High stand between the Comets and a berth in the title game. Hey, let’s stick with what’s working, boys, and gallop down their throats.
DOME CRASHERS 22, TIGGERS 14
Colfax vs. Asotin: The Comets will play the winner of this matchup, which I know nothing about. So, the Magic 8 Ball sez ...
FAX ME 11, AH-SO-TIN 10
Union vs. Lakes: Sorry, Couv boys, it’s been a nice dream, but now it’s time to wake up and smell the hashed browns. Too much speed for the Couv to match up with.
FLAKES 26, VANCOUVER 7
Bellevue vs. Capital: In the other 3A semifinal, we expect the boys from Oly Town to give the rich kids a run for their money. Well, maybe not all of their money, cuz some of those boys drive Escalades to practice. In the end, rich kids win out.
BELLE SQUARES 34, OLY 21
Culver vs. Knappa: This is for the Orygun 2A state title, and believe da Grump when he says that the folks in K-Town are geeked out of their minds for this one. Example: The owner of the Logger Burger joint is offering free 4x4 pickups and a triple-burger basket to every player on the team, if the Loggers win it all. Now that’s a fan!
LOG ROLLERS 24, WHERE’S CULVER? 12
COLLEGES
Washington State at Hawaii: Well, after that scintilating Apple Flup win over the kickerless Dawgs, Wazzu will soak in some rays on the beach, eat some BBQ pig, visit the grave of Don Ho and ... get their butts kicked.
RAINBOW WARRIORS 50, PALOUSE PALOOKAS 23
Oregon at Oregon State: No Quizz, but these Beavs still have plenty of petrol left in the tank. Could be a shootout, since Ducklings are pretty much defenseless, but seem to be able to wear out scoreboard bulbs.
CORN VALLEY 38, YOUGENE 31
Florida at Florida State: Old Man Bowden’s ‘Noles are on a roll, but when you’re up against Timmy Tebow and the soon-to-be national champs?
GATORS 37, NOLES 17
Fresno State at Boise State: If the Blue Turf Boys knock off Fresno, and they should, why can’t we have a Boise vs. Utah playoff to see which small-conference stud gets in the BCS?
SPUD STUDS 23, BULLDOGS 17
Georgia at Georgia Tech: Could be the game of the day. These longtime rivals always put on a great show.
BOOLDOGGIES 17, RAMBLIN’ WRECK FROM GEORGIA TECH 14
PROS
Pittsburgh at New England: Not sure what to think of Sexy Beast Tom Brady’s replacement, but if the dude keeps on rackling up 400-yard games, ol’ Sexy might be holding a clipboard next season.
PATSIES 24, STEEL CURTAIN 21
N.Y. Giants at Washington: This is where the G-Met really start hitting their stride. It’ll be 15-1 by the time the regular season is finished. Skins just don’t have enough offense to get this one done.
G-MEN 28, ZORN’S ZOMBIES 13
New Orleans at Tampa Bay: Could be a dandy, if the same Aints team that plastered the Pack last Monday shows up.
BAYOU FEVER 35, BAY OF PIGS 34
Kansas City at Oakland: This one used to be must-see TV. Len Dawson vs. Kenny Stabler. Jan Stenerud vs. George Blanda. Not anymore. This one will be at least as boring as watching Rosie O’Donnell fold her laundry.
RAID-DUHS 9, K.C. MASTERPIECE 6
Chicago at Minnesota: Two woeful offenses vs. two woeful defenses. But Vikes have Adrian Peterson.
PURPLE PRIDE 16, DA BEARS 13
Gridiron Grump’s column appears Fridays during football season. He can be reached at gridgrump@tdn.com
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