Alvord: These turkeys leave a foul taste
Friday, November 28, 2008 11:27 AM PST
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E-mail this articleColumn by Rick S. Alvord
Sports editor
When our new president takes office in January, he can look forward to tackling such important national matters as saving turkeys from the executioner’s blade.
We can only hope there will be no bailout for these birds.
It was with mixed emotions this week that I watched George W. Bush pardon the turkeys for the final time in his presidency. On one hand, he sells the photo-op so well. His cue-card readings are so ... convincing.
It’s almost like they (yawn) red-lined a syringe of tryptophan (yawn) straight into ol’ W’s veins.
On the other hand? Well, in the spirit of the holidays, let’s leave that one alone.
This year’s White House turkeys are named Pumpkin and Pecan — giant, plump, monster-like creatures that would look handsome on anyone’s Thanksgiving table after a nice six-hour visit to the Jenn-Air tanning salon.
So it is with Pumpkin and Pecan in mind that we hand out the 2008 Turkeys of the Year. As usual, voting is conducted by a panel of one, seated in front of this keyboard, because it takes a turkey to know a turkey.
Here they are, sans gravy:
• Former Seattle Mariners general manager Bill Bavasi, who almost single-handedly set back the progress of a professional sports franchise five full seasons with his mind-numbing decisions.
He ranks eight drumsticks out of 10.
• Sarah Palin, not so much because of her politics, but because she conducted a TV interview while some dude in the background shoved turkeys into a slaughtering machine. Something tells me that if John McCain and Palin had won, there would be no more turkey pardoning at the White House.
Five drumsticks for the moose-killing mama.
• The Seattle Seahawks receiving corps because, well, they’re always hurt. I know it’s pro football, but has Deion Branch ever had a week where he didn’t have something sprained or torn or bruised? Kind of makes you wonder what Darrell Jackson is doing right now.
Six drumsticks for the wimps.
• The Oregon Ducks football team. To clarify, the big gobble-gobble isn’t so much for the team as it is for the team’s uniforms. Just when you thought the “Nike 11” couldn’t look any more ridiculous, with their plethora of uniform combinations, they break out new jerseys, pants and helmets adorned with ... feathers?
Ten drumsticks out of 10 — a perfect score!
• I hate to do this, because there’s nothing personal here, but we’re going to have to give out co-turkeys to Mark Morris football coach Shawn Perkins and R.A. Long football coach Erik Bertram. Why? They’re in charge of the teams that double-forfeited the MM-RAL Civil War game on Halloween night, both for using ineligible freshmen who burned their four quarters just a day earlier.
Four drumsticks each.
• New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez, because even if he didn’t cheat on his wife with Madonna, the horrendous image is still burned in our minds.
Nine drumsticks for A-Rod and at least that many for the Immaterial Girl.
• Kobe Bryant, Petros Papadakis (FSN football broadcaster), Gordon Smith’s and Jeff Merkley’s political ads, Ocean Beach Highway mid-day drivers and that crooked old senator from Alaska ... just because.
Twenty-five drumsticks to share between them all.
• Michael Phelps, Olympic swimming hero, because he’s all over my television — almost as much as Peyton Manning.
Three drumsticks for Gold Medal Boy.
• The studio “experts” on CBS’ pregame, halftime and postgame NFL broadcasts. Included in this meeting of the dim-bulb minds is former Broncos tight end Shannon Sharp and former Steelers head coach Bill Cowher, who have a difficult time simply reading the scripted highlights and add nothing in terms of analysis.
Six drumsticks for Sharp, four for Cowher.
• Ty Wilingham, the arrogant, stubborn, blame-everybody-else head coach of the once-proud Washington Huskies football program. Great job in the Apple Cup, Ty. Why not try to win the game with a touchdown, instead of stacking it all on the inconsistent foot of a really bad placekicker?
Ten drumsticks for the lame duck!
Our not-so-happy meal is complete. Have a nice holiday, even if part of it will likely be spent watching the Detroit Lions attempt to play football.
Talk about your tryptophan hangover.
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