Gridiron Grump: 'Bago heads east, just for laughs
Friday, November 21, 2008 8:07 PM PST
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E-mail this articleColumn by Gridiron Grump
The ’Bago has been filled to the brim with the finest $1.97 per-gal petrol a guy can find in these parts.
Note: We elect a new prez and gas immediately dips below 2 bucks; nice work, Mr. O’Bomba!
The snacks have been purchased and stashed away in every nook, cranny and cubby-hole in the ’Bago kitchenette, including six boxes of Triscuits and Wheat Thins to go with that luscious Wazzu Coug authentic cheese when I pull into downtown Pullman for Saturday’s CrapApple Cup (www.wsu.edu/creamery).
Note: The “Cracked Pepper and Chive” is sold out.
The tickets have been purchased and, to be safe, da Grump is bringing along a hard hat (circa 1967) to wear just in case those boozed-up, tractor-lovin’ Wazzu students get all ticked off and start throwing “beverage” bottles in the bleachers.
Yes, it’s CrapApple 2008, where each team’s Cup runneth over with a combination of sour 2 percent milk and fish guts fresh off the dock in Ilwaco.
This, my loyal Grump Disciples, is as bad as it gets when it comes to tackle football in the state of Washington. It’s the lowest of the low, the stinkiest of the stinky, the skankiest of the skanky.
This is the Montlake Mess, coached by a lame duck with ruffled feathers, against the Palouse Palookas, coached by a guy who’d rather be flipping moose burgers in Alaska right about now.
Who’s going to win? WHO CARES?
Seriously, when it’s this bad, you’re just happy if each team can show up on time and nobody gets hit in the eye during the coin flip.
Da Grump, however, is making the trip to the Palouse to view this monumental train wreck of a football game for the sole purpose of enjoying a good laugh.
That’s right. With all this depressing talk of a stock-market crash, a new conflict in Eye Ran, Bill Clinton’s wife getting a cabinet position and the O’Bomba children losing their puppy in a poker game, I felt like I needed to get away for a weekend and truly entertain myself.
That’s right, da Grump is taking the ’Bago eastward, ho, for the CrapApple Cup. The fine running men at Lester T. Schwab’s found some well-used studs (tires, not the Baldwin brothers), just in case the roads between CowBlitz County and John Deere Stadium start to resemble Antarctica.
I’ll head south down I-5, where I’ll skip on over to the Gorge and make a stop in lovely downtown Umatilla, Ore., where some guy named Tony serves coconut pancakes all day ($1.95 double stack).
I’ll take a potty break at the Union 76 in Ritzville, then motor on into Pullman about two hours before kickoff so I can tailgate with the locals.
As for the laughs, I’ll be bent over in agony when Wazzu’s quarterback, the guy with zero TD passes and 10 interceptions, mistakes one of the U-Dub cheerleaders for an open receiver.
Crimson? Purple? Close enough.
It gets even funnier when the Dawgs attempt to run the football in the first quarter to establish “a physical attack,” as Mr. Lame Duck likes to put it. The real hilarity ensues when U-Dub sends in an actual dog to take a handoff, and he gains 14 yards on a draw play.
Someone give Scruffy a scholarship!
There will be more craziness, I am sure. If you don’t have a third-grade spelling bee to attend or a “Three’s Company” marathon to watch on TV, go ahead and flick on the tube and enjoy the laughs.
And if you’re a cheese lover, see me next week. I’ve got a couple extra tins of “Cracked Pepper and Chive” left over from last year (senior citizen discounted, as always).
This week’s sure-fire picks:
PREPS
Naselle vs. Willapa Valley: Folks, these Comets are clicking. I paid a visit to their practice field this week, and Eaton’s boys hoisted the ’Bago up toward the sky as part of their evening workout regimen. The school may want to invest in some weights. Anyway, Nasal gets it done with defense.
COMETS 14, VALLEY BOYS 6
Castle Rock vs. Cascade Christian: The Christians are coming off a spanking of Phi Slamma Kalama last week, but something tells da Grump that Artie’s boys are fully capable of winning a shootout. Watch for Captain Kyle and The Zack Attack to blast off.
ROCK SOLID 27, CHRISTIANS 21
Adna vs. Napavine: Well, the Viners eliminated the Toutle Duckies from the playoffs, so that’s good enough for me.
TIGGERS 18, ADNA-NA-NA 14
Ferndale at Union: Should be an entertaining contest, minus the laughs of the CrapApple Cup. Jake Locker’s alma mater has just enough tools to end da Couv’s final survivor.
FERNWOOD TONIGHT 28, TITANS 19
Nooksack Valley vs. Montesano: This is the week Monte goes down, because that Nookie team can really play some big-league defense. Monte’s offensive weapons get smothered early and often.
NOOKDORK VALET 20, DOGS 13
COLLEGES
Oregon State at Arizona: Well, Beavo fanatics, da Grump wants to say you’ll be spending New Year’s in Pasadena. In reality, it’ll be somewhere else not nearly as nice.
ZONA 34, CORN VALLEY 24
Washington at Washington State: Cougs lead for entire first half ’til they get “bogged down” from all of that pregame cheese. Dawgs are bad, but they’re not THIS bad.
MONTLAKE MESS 17, PALOUSE PALOOKAS 10
Texas Tech at Oklahoma: Talk about your shootouts. Baby, this one could require oven mitts for the officials, it’ll be so hot. In the end, Sooners get the last laugh when TT’s QB sprains his arm after attempting his 76th pass in the fifth overtime.
BOOMER SOONERS 47, TECHSTERS 42
Stanford at Cal: No need to mow down the tuba player on the last play of the game this time. Da Bears claw up the Tree Huggers with a balanced offense.
BERKELEY HIPPIES 31, PALO ALTO 17
Michigan at Ohio State: Fire Rich-Rod now! What a jerk. His team stinks and he blames the fans for booing. Grow a thicker skin!
LUCKEYES 38, WOLVERWEENIES 10
PROS
Washington at Seattle: Shaunie Alexander returns to Seattle and ... collects dust the bench for three hours. Unfortunately, for SeaSlob fans, that skitterbug Portis will pick ’em apart with 120-plus and Hasselbeck’s health won’t hold up.
’SKINS 20, SEASLOBS 14
Oakland at Denver: This very well could be the worst Raider team in history, or at least since Al Davis has been senile.
MILE HIGH CLUB 23, RAID-DUHS 9
N.Y. Jets at Tennessee: First-place New York Bretts against the undefeated Titanics? Supposed to be a “feature” game this week, but no way Broadway scores much on this team.
TITANICS 24, N.Y. BRETTS 7
Indianapolis at San Diego: Last time Indy visited SoCal, Peyton tossed six picks and the kicker missed a game-winning FG. Watch out, da Colts seem to be getting their sea legs under them.
INDY 26, CHARGE CARDS 20
San Francisco at Dallas: This one’ll be close than many folks think, simply because ol’ Singletary ain’t gonna put up with any more lackluster efforts. But, in the end, the Pokes just have too much talent.
AMERICA’S TEAM 30, NEENERS 21
Gridiron Grump’s column appears Fridays during football season. He can be reached at gridgrimp@tdn.com
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