Gridiron Grump: Bowl me over and warm up the pie
Friday, November 14, 2008 2:34 PM PST
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E-mail this articleColumn by Gridiron Grump
For The Daily News
Well, Grumpies, I realize that the prep playoffs are heating up like a bowl of Eleanor’s five-alarm Hungarian chili in the microwave — all chunky and bubblin’ over, with some serious smoke.
But all I want to think about for the next 13 days is food.
That’s right. Turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy, stuffing, hot rolls and pumpkin pie. Actually, all varieties of pies are welcome to Grump’s Fantasy Emporium.
Thanksgiving Day means da Grump can enjoy two of his favorite things in the history of mankind, but only if I can talk my lovely bride Eleanor into bringing me a plate of leftovers in front of the boob tube while I’m watching the grid action.
These days, it seems that every time I close my eyes and try to get a vision of Dutch-apple pie ala mode dancing across my noggin, some slick-haired talking dweeb on ESPN starts blabbing about the upcoming bowl games.
Now first of all, Grumpies, you know that college football takes a back seat to gridiron action at the high school level, especially the kind of spleen-rattling matchups we enjoy around these parts.
(By the way, the Mark Morris M&Mers are rumored to be taking on a near-Canadian team on Saturday ... so close to Canada, in fact, that this team wears hockey skates during pregame warm-ups.)
Right now, the talk is all about the BCS. Or is it BSC? Or NBC? Or ABCDEFG?
To me, it’s more complicated than trying to figure out the electoral college voting system. Who did Electoral College ever beat? OK, they could probably beat the Huskies by 7 and the Cougars by 13, but who’s counting?
Now, correct da Grump if he’s wrong, but doesn’t BCS stand for “Bowl Championship Series?” And if it does, why is the big game for all the tacos called the FedEx BCS National Championship Game? We don’t need the word “championship” twice in the same title.
You ever heard of the Super Bowl Super Game?
I promise not to go off on a Lou Holtz rant about the supposed merits of the BCS system. Let the higher-paid, younger, more energetic, better looking sports blabbers do that. Let’s just concentrate on some of the bowl games that we, as fans, can actually choose from on our collective boob tubes in the next few months:
• Tostitos Fiesta Bowl. Good nacho potential, but watch out for double-dippers at the tailgate party.
• Allstate Sugar Bowl. A deep-voiced actor named Dennis Haysbert appears in Allstate commercials, but there’s nothing remotely sugar-sweet about him.
• FedEx Orange Bowl. FedEx needs two bowl games? Where’s UPS?
• GMAC Bowl. Get a car loan by halftime with perfect credit or a personalized bailout from Barney Frank.
• Rose Bowl, Presented by Citi. Whattt? There was a time when the Rose Bowl was considered the “Granddaddy of ’Em All.” Now it’s the “Sellout of ’Em All.”
• AT&T Cotton Bowl. The network that doesn’t chafe.
• Konica Minolta Gator Bowl. Open wide and smile, everybody!
• Capital One Bowl. What’s in your popcorn bag?
• Chic-fil-A Bowl. Eat more beef, please, because your cholesterol is still under 360.
• PapaJohns.com Bowl. It’s the bowl game with the freshest ingredients and the one that’ll force you to french kiss a Pepto Bismol bottle at 3 a.m.
Bowls, bowls, bowls. Blah, blah, blah.
Grumpies, you know that the only bowls I’m interested in are the ones offered locally by the pretty and talented drive-thru girls at Taco Bell and Panda Express. However, it has come to my attention that KFC has recently added a bowl to its menu, one that includes layers of mashed potatoes, chicken and cheese.
Hey, go ahead and laugh. It still beats the GMAC Bowl.
I just heard that Jack in the Box is adding a teriyaki chicken and rice bowl to the menu! Grumpies, I will hear no more talk against bowls.
Bowls are good. Very good.
Well, except for the Longview Forfeit Bowl — the game formerly known as the Civil War. But that’s ancient history. It’s on to the playoffs, which da Grump will wax eloquently on in these sure-fire gems ...
PREPS
Blaine at Mark Morris: The Borderites (how’s THAT for a nickname?) are so close to Canada that Sarah Palin can watch them practice from her back yard. M&Mers beat a quality Chehalis club last week, and should be able to melt the Border boys down with some serious smacking in the trenches.
BABY BLUE 20, GREAT WHITE NORTH 7
Kalama at Cascade Christian: The Nookies are playing their best football of the season at precisely the best time. A switch back to the basic Wishbone has led to a ground resurgence, led by Crazy Legs Sanders behind the push of that fine O-line.
PHI KALAMA SLAMMA 18, CHRISTIANS 13
Orting at Castle Rock: Both of da Rock’s losses have come against third-ranked Montesano, so it’s tough to tell how these teams will match up. But when it comes to the playoffs, the team that makes the least mistakes usually wins. And with Captain Kyle, General Gehring and those Lomer boys lining up, mess-ups are at a minimum.
ROCK SOLID 22, ORTEGA 8
Napavine at Toutle Lake: Tiggers got the best of Toutle on the Duckies’ home pond a few weeks ago, but there’s no way they pull it off again. Coach G’s boys will make adjustments and come out smellin’ kinda pretty in the mud.
QUACK ATTACK 24, TIGGERS 13
Cascade Christian at Rainier: No, this isn’t the same team the ’Nookies are playing. That would be barbaric. These guys are from southern Oregon and will spend about 39 hours on a bus trying to get to Thor’s House. Right on cue, the River Captains will treat their visitors rudely with a steady dose of A-Train Allen and D-Wine.
THOR’S THUMPERS 30, MORE CHRISTIANS 14
COLLEGES
UCLA at Washington: New-weasel is coming back to town, so expect it to be closer than many anticipate because of the overwhelming Weasel Factor. In the end, however, da Grump can’t pull the trigger on these sorry Dawgs.
LA-LA LAND 27, MONTLAKE MESS 21
Washington State at Arizona State: Another WSU loss? Is the new president kinda cool?
DEVIL WORSHIPERS 48, PALOUSE PUNKS 10
Cal at Oregon State: This should be a dandy. Two good defenses with big play-makers on offense. Gotta say, however, that da Bears won’t be able to tackle little Quizz with much success. No one has yet.
CORN VALLEY 23, BERKELEY BEARS 17
Arizona at Oregon: Good matchup of decent offenses, but Zona’s on a roll right now and has the studs on defense to slow down a Duckling squad that nearly lost to the Stanford Tree last week.
ZONA 33, JERRY GARCIA WORSHIPERS 27
Georgia at Auburn: Good offense (Doggies) vs. good defense (Aubbie). Can’t see Bo Jackson’s alma mater coughing it up at home.
TIGGERS 20, PEACH COBBLER 14
PROS
Arizona at Seattle: Big Man Matt is back on campus for the SeaSlobs this Sunday. Thank you for your effort, Mr. Seneca, but please take a seat. Zona’s gonna have a letdown after that big MNF win, and hey, they’re four up in the division so why not take a breath?
SEASLOBS 26, ZONA 23
Minnesota at Tampa Bay: Watch for the hometown Bucs to swashbuckle up the Vikes’ anemic offense. Garcia isn’t a relic just yet.
ORANGE SLICE 17, VIKES 10
San Diego at Pittsburgh: Not a chance that the Steel Curtain drops two in a row at home. Bolts have some problems offensively, namely getting L.T. to imitate the old L.T.
CURTAIN 31, CHARGE CARDS 24
Dallas at Washington: It’s about time for the Pokes to snap of it, so expect a T.O. sighting and some decent running. ’Skins aren’t pretenders, but they aren’t title contenders, either.
TOM LANDRY’S HAT 27, IN ZORN WE TRUST 17
Chicago at Green Bay: Grossman at Lambeau? Not a good combination. Watch for Cheesehead Garcia to pick apart that sagging secondary.
PACK 21, DA BEARS 13
Gridiron Grump’s column appears Fridays during football season in The Daily News.
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