Grump: Big Uglies' guide to gettin' the ladies
Friday, November 7, 2008 12:58 AM PST
By Gridiron Grump
Printable version
E-mail this articleIf I’m not mistaken, don’t quarterbacks get all the ladies?
There were legendary stories about former NFL signal-yappers Don Meredith (Cowboys) and Joe “Willie” Namath (Jets), and how they painted their respective towns with assorted young babes while wearing fur coats and huge smiles.
And who can forget the secret blog photos of current ’Zona Cards backup Matt Leinart? Ol’ Mattie was photographed in a hot tub guzzling cold beverages with a harem of scantily clad — not to mention underage — females.
But, my goodness, the man was smiling!
Hey, you’d be smiling, too. Some of those ladies who hung out with Dandy Don, Joe Willie and Moonshine Matt appear to be at least as attractive as our new veep Joe Biden’s wife (hey Joe-Joe, you definitely overachieved!)
Anyway, I checked with some of the local prep grid QBs, and sure enough a few of them are overachieving. Rumor has it that one of our finest preppie quarterbacks showed up at the postgame homecoming dance with mud still in his hair and in dire need of some Right Guard.
Nonetheless, that googly-eyed QB still had a cute young lady by his side for the rest of the dance.
Well, da Grump believes it’s about time for the Big Uglies of the world to move on up. You know, the beloved trench warriors who do all of the heavy lifting for those pretty-boy quarterbacks. The 230-pound-plus fellas who might not look like a GQ model while wearing a tight pair of jeans and a tailored T-shirt.
The Big Uglies try to say “no” to crack, but more often than not, the baggy sweatpants they wear to the pizza parlor on Saturday night end up revealing too much when they bend over to pluck that last slice of fried pepperoni off the floor.
(Note: True Big Uglies always make sure that every last morsel of a family-size meat combo is put to good use.)
Big Uglies always sweat. Even popping open a can of Mountain Dew brings an oddly large bead of perspiration to his forehead.
But somehow, some way, Big Uglies are always the last men standing when gridiron war has been waged. An Ugly’s stamina is as mysterious as the swallows returning to Cap’n Yoby’s at the same time each year (or is it Cap’n Strano?)
Well, help is on the way, gentlemen. I know you’re interested in making some off-the-field moves with your school’s cuties, so here are some valuable tips to help the process along:
1. Upgrade your wardrobe. Get rid of the backward cap, 2XL basketball shorts and John Deere T-shirt. Instead, find yourself a pair of jeans that fit, a decent jacket that hides your boiler and — this is important — get yourself a really nice pair of shoes. Chicks love fashionable footwear.
2. When on a date, always eat healthy. This means when you take little Krystie out for a quick bite at Panda Express, you offer to buy her anything on the menu — and YOU order the broccoli chicken on white rice. You’re going to finish off her plate anyway, and you’re going to pop in a couple of Hot Pockets when you get home, so why not give the “illusion” of being a healthy eater? She will be impressed.
3. Mention my name. When you’re at the movies, and it’s nice and dark and you’ve got your arm around Krystie, and the mood seems right for a tender smooch, whisper this goodie in her ear: “Isn’t that Grump guy a hoot?” Believe me, it’ll pay off.
4. Always lie. When Krystie asks what you do in your spare time, tell her you like to read and you like to shop. Never, ever admit to staying up ’til 3:45 a.m. playing “Command and Conquer: Red Alert 3” with your friends, and definitely don’t share any details about the stamp collection your grandma gave you.
5. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, bring her flowers and chocolates on the first date. And believe me, you’ll want to keep your puffy mitts off the chocolates before you get there, ’cuz there’s nothing more pathetic than giving a cute girl a box of half-eaten Belgian darks.
That’s it, Big Uglies. The Grump has opened the vault to a whole new world. Now it’s up to you to go out and get ’er done.
But remember this: If you’re incapable of pulling off any of the above-mentioned gems, just make sure you don’t smell.
As for last week’s Grumpie picks, they didn’t smell a bit. OK, five losses came home to roost, so after we toss out the Civil War double forfeit, I still had nine victories. Da SeaSlobs would kill for nine this season!
PREPS
W.F. West at Mark Morris: This one’s by far the best of the 2A crossovers, with the BearKitties bringing a talented litter to LV Memorial. But da Grump was impressed by the M&Mers’ giddy-up last week vs. the Jackies, and there’s no way the BearKitties will win the clash in the trenches.
BABY BLUE 14, CHEHALIS 7
R.A. Long at Centralia: Well, it’s been a great year for Coach B and his Jackies, but it seems that a road game against the champion Tiggers for your first playoff game since 1995 might be a little too much to ask.
TIGGERVILLE 34, BACK IN BLACK 13
Woodland at Tumwater: Tough draw for the Greenleaf Machine. But da Beavs rarely get blown out, so expect it to be close well into the second half. Watch for Hurn to discharge his firearm early and often.
T-BIRDS 28, GREENLEAF MACHINE 19
Rochester at Kalama: ’Nookies have things ironed out after a midseason lull, and are getting back to what put ’em on the state map — rushing the pigskin. The defense will score at least twice in this one, just for good measure.
PHI SLAMMA KALAMA 32, RAW-CHESTER 12
Montesano at Castle Rock: Oh mommy! This one’s gonna throw off some sparks! Monte edged Rock 21-20 in a nonleaguer back in September, but that was on Monte’s turf and da Rock was just lighting its fuse to a Trico championship season. But in a game filled with offensive stars, looking for the Rock’s defense to make the difference.
GIBRALTAR BOYS 15, MONTE 7
COLLEGES
Cal at USC: C’mon, we all know that the Berkeley Bears are Pac-10 softies. Trojan Horses are on smelling roses right now.
O.J.’S ALMA MATER 31, BERKELEY HIPPIES 17
Arizona State at Washington: Denny returns to the stomping grounds where he was raised and stomps the air out of whatever life is left in the U-Dub grid program. It’s not even worth laughing about anymore.
DEVIL WORSHIPERS 26, MONTLAKE MESS 10
Arizona at Washington State: Can you imagine what a pile of dead monkeys the Rotten Apple Cup will be this season?
’ZONA 47, PALOUSE PALOOKAS 9
Alabama at LSU: The Tide’s stay at No. 1 will be short-lived. Loos-ee-ana’s not gonna win the BCS title this year, but they’re still a pretty decent club.
BAYOU TIGGERS 20, FORREST GUMP’S ALMA MATER 14
Oklahoma State at Texas Tech: Last year vs. Okie State, TT QB Harrell passed for 646 yards, TT WR Crabtree scored three TDs and TT had three 100-yard rushers. More of the same this time.
TECHSTERS 45, OKIE STATE 28
PROS
Seattle at Miami: More boring plays and more boring offense. These guys really aren’t very good. And why can’t anyone make a play on that defense? Injuries be damned, this team should be better.
FINS 23, SEASLOBS 17
Indianapolis at Pittsburgh: After last week’s defensive demolition vs. da ’Skins, the Steelers appear to be in playoff mode. Indy’s offense still isn’t clicking.
STEEL CURTAIN 21, PEYTON & PALS 13
San Francisco at Arizona: Are da Cards for real? Well, in this weak-butt division, they could be an illusion and still finish in first place. Old Man Warner keeps on ticking.
CARD SHARKS 30, NEENERS 14
Tennessee at Chicago: No way this Titan team is 9-0 worthy, especially against a rushing defense the caliber of Chi-Town’s. Plus, this is Obama’s hometown team. How can they lose?
DA BEARS 16, TITANICS 13
N.Y. Giants at Philadelphia: Best game of the week, bar none. But the Super Bowl champs seem to be playing with a quiet confidence, and that three-headed monster of a running game is superb.
G-MEN 27, CHEESE STEAKS 20
Gridiron Grump’s column appears Fridays during football season. He can be reached at gridgrump@tdn.com
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