Grump: Can we get some gridiron love for the Fighting Oyster Shuckers?
Thursday, October 30, 2008 11:32 PM PDT
By Gridiron Grump
For The Daily News
Printable version
E-mail this articleGrumpies, I know that I make the art of pigskin prognostication appear to be oh-so-easy. But believe me, it’s a lot of work looking this pretty.
First, I have to get out to a lot of games. In order to do this, I must get dressed. That means no boxer shorts, no wife-beater T-shirt, no arthritic leg-warmers — a la that cute little Jennifer Beals in “Flashdance” (circa 1983), which happens to be my bride Eleanor’s favorite all-time flick.
After I throw on a fashionable ensemble from Big Dog every Friday night, watching the games is the easy part. And most preppie stadiums come equipped with delectable snack-bar goodies offered up by the local booster clubs, which makes things a lot more enjoyable.
(Note to Civil War fans: If some idiot wearing a Ronnie Reagan mask storms the field in the middle of the second quarter tonight, that’s just me paying off a Texas Hold ’Em debt to the original Grumpy of Longview, Mr. Dave “Grumpy” Grumbois; but I might back out!)
The problem, however, is picking games between teams I don’t actually see battling on the gridiron each week. Case in point? Those South Bend Indians, who host Coach Eaton and the Naselle Comets tonight.
So, Grumpies, I had to perform a
little research. And by research, I mean that I stomped around the ’Bago living room screeching, “Where in tarnation is South Bend?” until Eleanor hooked up her rebuilt laptop to see if she could help.
Now, you know that my idea of the perfect laptop is an oak TV tray supporting a piping-hot, fresh-from-the-’wave Swanson’s Hungry Man frozen dinner (twice the Salisbury steak and imitation cherry cobbler!)
I know NOTHING about computers, except that Eleanor can somehow magically submit my award-winning writings over the airwaves if I forget to drop them off at the Daily Scandal Sheet in before their so-called “deadline.”
This time, Eleanor informed me that South Bend is in Pacific County, north of Naselle, on Highway 101 between Willapa Bay and Everybody Loves Raymond. And, she discovered, South Bend is “The Oyster Capital of the World.”
As you know, da Grump don’t throw nothin’ down his gullet that used to swim around in the sea. Besides, those oyster things kind of look like snot bubbles.
But let me ponder this: Why isn’t South Bend’s mascot the Fighting Oysters? Or the Fighting Oyster Shuckers?
C’mon … the Indians? Eleanor says anyone with a magical laptop can visit the South Bend cobweb site and see for yourself an Indian mascot that’s so politically incorrect and offensive that even the producers of “F-Troop” would be shocked.
Anyway ... Go Comets! Shuck those Oysters!
Another problem I’m dealing with this week is the fact that today is Halloween. I’ve already spent a few hours unscrewing all the light bulbs inside and outside the ‘Bago, and blacking out the windows so no whiny little ghost or goblin on a sugar high thinks he can trick me out of my stash of Peanut Butter Cups.
Plus, I heard on the Lush Limbaugh radio show that the No. 1 costume this Halloween season for little girls is a Sarah “Go Down Flailin’” Palin outfit. But I understand that you can only buy it at Neiman Marcus for $13,000 a pop.
Whatever happened to those 39-cent plastic monster masks, anyway?
Whether you’re an Oyster or a Lumberjack or a Monarch, here are some late-season picks that you can sink your choppers into ...
PREPS
Kalama at La Center: The ’Nookies need this one to stay at home in the first round of the playoffs. Seems to me that El Roberto Sanders is up to his old tricks and that O-line is hitting its postseason stride. Run, Coach B., run!
PHI SLAMMA KALAMA 20, MILDCATS 13
Kelso at Battle Ground: No way da Scottie Dawgs get locked in the cellar. It’ll be a big night for ol’ Jacob Wishard on the D-side of the ball, and watch out for T-Cross and Mini-Miller on the wet tundra.
GOLDEN DOMERS 27, TIGGERS 21
Vernonia at Rainier: Da Grump predicted a smooth 68 points for the River Captains last week vs. Jughead University, but it still wasn’t enough. Turned out to be 79, but could’ve been 129 had Coach Thor not called off the dogs. This one’s closer, but not by much.
THOR’S THUMPERS 50, LINCOLN LOGS 18
Adna at Wahkiakum: Defense wins championships, so say all the dorks on TV. Well, on this night, it’ll win a big Central 2B tussle for the Mule Train. Baby Bear and his buddies will get nasty when it counts.
HAMMER’S HOMIES 19, PY-RATES 14
R.A. Long at Mark Morris: Well, logically speaking, you can always throw the records out the window when these teams get together. OK, but why would you? And where do those records land? Hopefully not on somebody’s head. In this one, M&Mers just have too much offense.
BABY BLUE BOYS 34, JACKIES 21
COLLEGES
Texas at Texas Tech: This one could eclipse the 1,200-yard barrier — in the first half. TT is a pretender, while the Horns are the real deal. Watch for that strong-armed Colt fella to rack up some big numbers.
HOOK ’EM HORNS 47, TECHSTERS 24
Oregon at Cal: The Rose Bowl dreams come to an end for da Ducklings, who’ll get confused in the locker room before the game and trot onto the field wearing Uniform Combination No. 1,143 instead of Uniform Combination No. 1,144!
BERKELEY HIPPIES 31, JERRY GARCIA WORSHIPERS 28
Arizona State at Oregon State: Denny’s return to Reser gets derailed by a ’Quizz show. Beavs look like they’re starting to get that bowl stride.
CORN VALLEY 23, DEVIL WORSHIPERS 17
Georgia vs. Florida: Dawgs looked VERY good last week vs. the Bayou Tiggers, with Knowshon chewing up yards like a starving Doberman and that QB tossing darts all over the field. Gators have been known to give up a few points, so we’ll go with the upset.
BOOLDAWGS 37, HANGING CHADS 31
Washington State at Stanford: Why waste words with this one?
TREE HUGGERS 30, PALOUSE PALOOKAS 13
PROS
Philadelphia at Seattle: Was that a mirage at Frisco last week, or is the defense ready to get, well, defensive? Looks like Matthew’s gonna sit this one out again, so it’ll be up to Seneca to take charge and get ’er done.
SEASLOBS 26, CHEESE STEAKS 20
Pittsburgh at Washington: Should be a dandy, but something tells da Grumpy that ol’ Zorn will find out in a hurry what AFC defense is all about. Big Ben goes off for four TDs.
STEEL CURTAIN 28, ‘SKINS 14
Dallas at N.Y. Giants: Despite last week’s win over the Tampa Bay Devil Bucs, these Pokes are imposters until Romo returns. Brad Johnson looks like he’s 57 years old and T.O. is nowhere to be found. Roll it up, Eli!
G-MEN 27, TOM LANDRY’S HAT 10
New England at Indianapolis: No way the Colts are this bad. No way! The best way to crawl out of a slump is to get back to basics, and for Peyton & Co., that means putting the ball in the air — down the field, not those dink passes!
PEYTON FOR PREZ 24, PATSIES 17
Green Bay at Tennessee: Those twangers looked awful good on Monday night, smashing the Colts with that running game and opportunistic defense. Can’t see the Pack making much noise in this one.
ELVIS’ FAVORITE TEAM 17, CHEESEHEADS 14
Gridiron Grump’s column appears Fridays during football season. He can be reached at gridgrump@tdn.com
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