Gridiron Grump: Five simple steps to slow down A-Train
Thursday, September 18, 2008 11:49 PM PDT
By Gridiron Grump
Printable version
E-mail this articleHe was probably too busy to give me a call this week, but da Grump has no doubt that Mark Greenleaf — grand poobah/head coach of the Woodland High School Fighting Beaver Machine — would more than welcome some friendly advice for tonight’s nonleague throw-down against the burly Rainier Columbians.
Not that Coach Poobah “needs” any help. The guy seems to know his stuff, except when it comes to his taste in music.
(Reference: Daily Scandal Sheet, Sept. 5, 2008, in which Greenleaf openly admits to listening to the rancid croonings of rapper Eminem. Other than that, the man is a genuine gridiron dude.)
What da Grump — a.k.a. Dr. Philistine — is certain that ol’ Coach Greenie needs advice on is this: How to stop Rainier’s multi-talented Transformer in cleats, a certain 240-pound fullback named Andrew Allen.
Now, Coach Green Jeans shouldn’t feel inadequate for requiring a helping hand from Yours Truly. There’s a long line of great men who’ve been down the Dr. Laura Grump road before, including Tom Coughlin of the N.Y. G-Men (how to stop Tom Brady), Billy Bob Belichick of the N.E. Patsies (how to stop Brett Fav-ruh) and Mike Holmgren of the Seattle SeaSlobs (how to stop ... J.T. O’Sullivan?).
OK, so not all of the advice works out. Just like my “buy, buy, buy!” tip for Merrill Lynch.
Tonight, however, I get the feeling that the Beaver Boss wouldn’t mind a few suggestions. After all, the Columbians’ A-Train has been known to give opponents free rides aboard his broad shoulders on his way to The House.
(Memo to A-Train: Start charging for those rides so you have some spare cash on the weekends.)
So, Coach Greenie, you may want to put down that nonfat mocha right about now and get out a yellow hi-liter. Here are five simple tips to slowing down the kid who’ll be wearing jersey No. 5 tonight:
5. New uniforms. Get the team moms on this — pronto. Your new uniforms will be coated with a powerful glue substance created by NASA, which has previously been used only once — to hold Raquel Welch’s cavegirl bikini in place during the shooting of “One Million Years BC,” so the flick could still get a PG rating.
Think about it, Coach. If you can get enough players to make contact with the A-Train, like insects stuck to a pesticide strip, he’ll eventually go down. Eventually.
4. Call Gov. Sarah Palin (R-Alaska). Da Grump knows it’s a long shot, but why not give Madam Eskimo a ring to see if she’ll send down the Alaska National Guard for you. You can place some of her best foot soldiers across the goal line and dare the kid to mow ’em down.
And just like the guv herself, do not rule out a “show of force” if things get ugly.
3. Steal his helmet. It’s an unclassy move, I know, but stay with me here. Can the A-Train leave the depot without his hat? Of course not. So you find an eighth-grader after school, bribe him with a case of Red Bull and tell him to “bring back the head of Andrew Allen!” before 7 p.m.
Oh, he’ll still play. But chances are he’ll need a breather before halftime.
2. Be cruel. This also falls under “unclassy,” but what your players need to do here is learn all about the A-Train’s childhood and remind him of all things unpleasant. Did Andrew’s kitty get run over by a dump truck when he was 4? Find out! And when he’s having a “poor Fluffy” moment, steal the football out of his hands.
Warning: This could backfire. Any visions the A-Train has of Fluffy could make him even more angry.
1. When all else fails, tackle him low. But I’m sure you’ve already covered that in practice this week.
So there you have it, Beavo Boy. Da Grump won’t even charge you for this one. But if one of my suggestions works out, at least mention me in your postgame speech, would ya?
As for the Columbians-Beavers matchup, stay tuned below for the sure-fire pick of the week. Last week’s ho-hum 10-5 effort brings my two-week total to 21-9 ...
PREPS
Kalama at Tenino: The ’Nookies are off to a 2-0 start against a pair of GSHL 2A teams, and take a step down to their own classification this week against those “other” Beavers. No cakewalk here, but the same result.
PHI SLAMMA KALAMA 22, 10-9-OH 14.
R.A. Long at Washington (Tacoma): The Jackies got their lunch, dinner and snack handed to them by the Fish Sticks last week at Astoria, but da Grump believes it’ll be a difference story tonight, thanks to the defense.
BACK IN BLACK 27, STINKOMA 13.
Kelso at Fort Vancouver: Nice comeback last week, Domers. You’re growing up fast, fellas. Now go back out there tonight and show you’re a genuine road warrior. QB Cameron and TB Lane put on quite a show against those Falcons, and the defense got dirty when it needed to.
GOLDEN DOMERS 28, TRAPPER JOHNS 21.
Mark Morris at Eatonville: Coach P’s got these guys performing like one of those Busch boys’ NASCAR engines. Baby Blue is owning the line of scrimmage, with Big Jake Welch leading the way, and the skill fellas aren’t making mistakes.
M&Mers 35, EAT’VILLE 8.
Rainier at Woodland: Can the Beaver Machine stop the A-Train? No, it can’t. But it can slow him down enough to make somebody else beat ’em, which is easier said than done. Beavos have improved since Week 1 drubbing against ’Nookies, but Coach Thor’s troops still get ’er done tonight.
RIVER CAPTAINS 32, GREENLEAF MACHINE 21.
COLLEGES
Boise State at Oregon: The Ducklings were the Lucklings last week when that aim-challenged kicker from Boilermaker University misfired a couple of times. The boys from Blue Turf Land aren’t exactly cracking the whip these days, so no matter who’s playing QB, Bad Uniform University should prevail.
JERRY GARCIA WORSHIPERS 31, SMURF TURF 20.
Portland State at Washington State: How bad are the Cougs? Rumor has it, they scrimmaged against the Pullman fifth-graders and needed a late field goal to eke out a 9-7 win. Nonetheless, they should pick up their lone victory of the season right here against Jerry Glanville’s troops.
PALOUSE PALOOKAS 29, VIKES 23.
LSU at Auburn: Ah, a classic SEC gut-buster. The homestanding Tiggers beat somebody last week by a strange 3-2 score, even while trying to iron out the bumps and wrinkles of a new offense. No way that works this week.
BAYOU TIGGERS 17, OTHER TIGGERS 10.
Arizona at UCLA: Don’t look now, but it’s “must-win” time for Ricky New Weasel and his Brewins. Why so early? Cuz they got crushed 59-zip by the Mormons last week, and the other team in town happens be USC.
LA-LA LAND 24, ZONA 20.
Georgia at Ariziona State: Would be nice to see the Pac-10 stand up to an SEC bully the caliber of the Bool-Doggies. But Erickson’s team lost to Vegas last week, so let’s not hold our breath.
DOGGIES 27, DEVIL WORSHIPERS 16.
PROS
St. Louis at Seattle: 0-3 vs. 0-3. As they say on the radio, “something’s gotta give.” Just get mad, SeaSlobs. I mean really, really mad. If Matthew can find a human being to catch a pass or two, this one’s in the books.
HOLMGREN’S HOMIES 31, NOT SO RAM TOUGH 21.
Dallas at Green Bay: Still not convinced Aaron Rodgers, the kid from Berkeley University, will hold up under the not-so-friendly fire of a 16-week season. For now, he looks good. But the Pokes? That offense is downright scary, and it ain’t even Halloween yet.
T.O.’S AN IDIOT 26, CHEESE PLEASE 23 (OT)
Pittsburgh at Philadelphia: Very, very intriguing tussle for Pennsylvania supremacy, ala Obama vs. Johnny McCain. I like Pitt’s defense and I love Philly’s offense, so we’ll go green.
EAGLES 23, TERRY BRADSHAW’S ALMA MATER 20.
N.Y. Jets at San Diego: Although Brett Fav-ruh usually excels on the MNF stage, that was as a Packer. Brett The Jet gets his wings clipped as Diego gets off the schneid.
BOLTS 30, NYETS 13.
Kansas City at Atlanta: This should be the JV game prior to the Pack-Pokes contest.
DIRTY BIRDS 17, CHIEF CHUMPS 9.
Gridiron Grump’s column appears Fridays during football season. He can be reached at gridgrump@tdn.com
columbian wrote on Sep 19, 2008 8:53 AM:
bulldog42 wrote on Sep 19, 2008 3:03 PM:
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