Grump: SeaSlobs pullin' me out of retirement
Friday, September 12, 2008 3:31 PM PDT
By Gridiron Grump
For The Daily News
Printable version
E-mail this articleNational Football League Application for Employment
Position applying for: Seattle Seahawks wide receiver
Name: Henry Foglestein, a.k.a. Gridiron Grump
Address: A Winnebago down by the river
Phone: Unlisted (too many “pollsters” seeking my opinion of that renegade wise-crackin’ Alaska governor)
Height: 5-feet-7
Weight: 244 pounds (pre-Izzy’s Friday night buffet); 265 (post-Izzy’s Friday night buffet)
Experience: Backup center for Fargo High, circa Wool Jerseys Era.
References: Dom DeLuise, Judge Judy’s second cousin, Ed Laulainen, that guy from “Seinfeld” (not the racist), the cute drive-thru girl who works the graveyard shift at Taco Bell, Nancy Reagan’s daughter (the one who appeared in Playboy) and Kirc Roland.
OK, so maybe the SeaSlobs won’t hire me to snare passes from Matthew. But as sure as my butt’s a biscuit, those boys in blue need some help in the receivin’ department.
First, the Space Needle big brains lose Nate Burleson to some IRS injury. (Note to the IRS: The Grump ALWAYS files a prompt tax return on the freelance wages — heavy on FREE — earned by yours truly at this tight-wad Scandal Sheet).
Burleson is out for the season, Bobby Engram is hurt and Not-So-Neon Deion Branch is recovering from knee surgery. Of course, Seattle has fired Jordan Kent — a kid who excelled in track and basketball at the Eugene University of Green before discovering the great game of tackle football in 2005.
That’s right, he’s fast and can catch a ball — why would the Slobs want him?
I imagine his introduction to football going like this ...
Scene: Track Town Pizza, Eugene, Ore. Beer.
UO football coach Mike Bellotti: “Hey, kid. You fast? You can catch a basketball?”
Kent: “Uh, yeah, but …”
Bellotti: “Here’s a hideously ugly green uniform and an uglier yellow uniform, both of which will make you puke if you drink too much beer. Report to football practice tomorrow or my stepbrother, Guido Bellotti, will visit your parents.”
Kent: “Huh?”
C’mon, Slobs, you spent a sixth-round pick in 2007 on Clark Kent and he graduated with a UO green degree in business administration in 2006. Couldn’t you have at least used him in the front office AND the practice squad, until he learned to catch a football in an actual professional football game?
Seattle has the likes of Courtney Taylor, Logan Payne, some dude named Billy McMullen and Sammie Parker, another former Ugly Uniform Ducky, as the only healthy receivers on the roster. And it’ll be a few weeks before Billy Mac and Sammie know the offense.
So why not take a chance on me, the Sultan of Snares? Da Grump has been known to catch a hot dog (with mustard and onions) from 65 yards and not even break stride or spill a drop.
Another reason da Grump wants to get out of CowBlitz County for a few weeks is this weather. Who brought the heat, anyway?
While my foxy bride Eleanor and I were enjoying the sweltering sauna that is Microwave Breath, Fla., this spring and summer, I understand the good people of Longview/Kelso were enjoying rain, wind, sleet, rain, sleet and frost delays at local golf courses.
Question: What kind of Tiger Woods wanna-be goon waits for the greens to thaw so he can chase a little white dimpled ball around with a hockey stick?
So now, with fall football here — which should be highlighted by frozen tundra and frosty breath — we get a week of 90-degree temps?
There’s something wrong with watching a gridiron war with a Mountain Dew in one had and an icy fresh blackberry smoothie from Burgerville in the other.
I thought Eleanor and I had escaped the bizarre events on our way back to CowBlitz. I had fallen asleep on the ‘Bago couch watching ESPN classic football games at an RV park in Louisiana when I heard her scream, “Gustav is coming, Gustav is coming!”
Thinking that an unexpected guest (maybe Dom DeLuise) had arrived for a hot plate of Eleanor’s specialty (Hungarian burritos), I awoke with drool and burrito stains on my wife-beater. To my amazement, Eleanor jumped into the driver’s seat of the ‘Bago and high-tailed north while I clung to the dining table.
I didn’t even know Eleanor could drive.
That Gustav must be one bad dude.
As for the games these guys play, I turned in a decent 11-4 effort in Week 1. Look for better results from these sure-fire gems ...
PREPS
Kelso at Prairie: Nice effort by Coach Hymes’ young pups last week vs. the M&Mers, with several nice offensive marches (especially the first one) and a hefty goal-line stand in the fourth quarter. Something tells da Grump that these young’uns will pass their first road test. Golden Domers 17, Richie Sexson’s alma mater 14.
Centralia at Mark Morris: There is always room for improvement, fellas, but hey ... that was pretty dang impressive last week, riding that yellow RV over the bridge and taking it to the Domers at Schroeder Stadium. It’ll be much of the same this week, when your defense takes center stage and you rip the stripes off those toothless Tiggers. M&Mers 14, C-Town 7.
Washougal at Kalama: Yikes, Coach B., what exactly did ya feed your ’Nookies prior to last week’s Beaver smack-down? With The ’Dougal coming up the hill tonight in the home opener, look for a repeat performance, with those dastardly and fleet-footed DBs getting it done on one side of the ball, and Mr. Sanders going triple-digits again on the other side. Phi Slamma Kalama 32, The ’Dougal 18.
Castle Rock at Montesano: Coach Art’s ruffians wasted no time making it known that the Trico title trophy would look rather pretty sitting in the Rock’s case. Nice beatdown of Raw-Chester, boys. It’ll be tougher tonight against da Bool-Doggies, but in the end, the best backfield will prevail. In Art We Trust 22, Doggies 14.
Toutle Lake at Willapa Valley: This one should be a dandy, with the Valley Boys presenting a stiff challenge for Coach G. and his winged warriors. But the Ducks won’t get rattled. Expect Boomer, Campbell and the rest of that D to own the second half. Fantastic Fowl 24, Valley Boys 12.
COLLEGES
Ohio State at USC: Beanie no play? What a weenie. Luckeyes travel to the Land of Earthquakes and get crushed under a 7.0-magnitude beatdown. Trojan Horses 31, Luckeyes 13.
Oregon at Purdue: Defense, anyone? Ya, well, it looks like the Guys In Bad Uniforms have a better one than the School of Engineering, so we’ll stick with the greenies. Jerry Garcia Worshipers 41, Lance That Boil 24.
Hawaii at Oregon State: Is this the week that somebody down at Corn Valley finally takes this game seriously? Or do we have to entice ol’ Denny Erickson back to campus with a $4 million contract and a 12-pack of Bud? Beaver Power 27, Rainbows 17.
Washington State at Baylor: Not sure they’ll get this one in because of Hurricane Ike and a whole bunch of rain. But after last week’s laughable 63-point losing effort against Berkeley, maybe Wazzu should start hoping for more hurricane cancellations this season. Ike & Friends 36, Palouse Palookas 20.
Oklahoma at Washington: You kiddin’ me? A Pac-10 zebra’s gonna make THAT call with two ticks remaining? Ty’s troops coulda mauled those Mormons in OT, but noooooo ... Woulda been nice heading into this one, which was a lost cause when ink was put to that horrendous schedule. Boomer Sooners 55, Montlake Mess 21.
PROS
San Francisco at Seattle: Glad to see some heads rolled after the Debacle In Buffalo. The punter was fired! Oh my, now we’re on our way to the Super Bowl, baby! Sign a certain ’Bago driver for WR depth and maybe you’ll make some playoff noise. This week? No problem. SeaSlobs 23, Neeners 10.
Philadelphia at Dallas: Jessica’s boy toy seemed in command of the Pokes’ offense in the opener against the defenseless Brownies. He’ll need to be more than a toy to tame Donovan’s green machine. America’s Bling Team 27, Philly 19.
New England at N.Y. Jets: Cassel vs. Brett The Jet? The biggest mismatch since Ronnie Reagan vs. Walt Mondale. This one, however, won’t be decided by QBs. It’ll be decided by defense and special teams. Patsies 20, Nyets 13.
Chicago at Carolina: Black Cats beat the Charge Cards on the final play of the game in Week 1, while da Bears took down Peyton and the Dolts on the road. Grumpie thinks this could be a special season for Lovie’s crew. Jerry Zimmerman’s Favorite Team 17, Carol-Liner 10.
Indianapolis at Minnesota: Something looked broken in Peyton’s Place last week. That offense sputtered like the Hindenburg in a hurricane. Vikes send Dolts back to Indy licking more wounds. Nick Stumbo’s Favorite Team 24, Dungy’s Dolts 20.
Gridiron Grump’s column appears Fridays in The Daily News during football season. He can be reached at gridgrump@tdn.com
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