Gridiron Grump: Put the pads on and get to work
Friday, September 5, 2008 2:28 AM PDT
By Gridiron Grump
For The Daily News
Printable version
E-mail this articleSo, my loyal Grump Disciples, we meet again.
It has been nine seasons of total gridiron bliss supplied by yours truly, a.k.a. the Total Pigskin Package — the man’s man, with the boyish good looks of Tom Brady, the marketability of Peyton Manning and the glowing personality of Mike “Party Freak” Holmgren.
Nine whole seasons! Can you believe it?
Since my arrival, several landmark decisions have been made in these parts by some perfectly sane sports-minded individuals. Such as the brave members of the Woodland Booster Club, who last year purchased a Gridiron Grump wanna-be Winnebago and immediately slapped the moniker “BeaverBago” on it.
Would these fine, upstanding citizens had been prompted to buy this “classic” ‘Bago had yours truly not shown up on the scene way back in the year two thou?
Not a chance. So, in a way, you have the Grump to thank for adding to the beautification of your community landscape.
Now it’s 2008, for goodness sake, and times certainly have changed. Gas prices are flopping out of control, like some pimply-faced teen hopped up on Red Bull playing Madden ’09 in his mom’s basement.
I’m just not sure where we’re going these days, folks. I’ve been burning rubber on the freeway recently and haven’t been able to catch much tube time, but did my ol’ drinkin’ buddy John S. McCain really ask some rifle-totin’ chick from Glacier Land to be his right-hand gal?
Johnny, Johnny, Johnny. I thought we had a deal. When you finally ran for prez, you’d pick somebody like da Grump as your running mate — cuz you never want anyone way prettier than you up on that stage waving to all those drunk people in funny hats.
Anyway, Eleanor and yours truly rolled into CowBlitz County around mid-week and found ourselves a lovely little RV space down by the Coweeman River, complete with water-sewer hookups, ‘lectric and a high-def satellite dish to catch all of the pad-poppin’ action.
Oh, wait. The owners of this fine Scandal Sheet have asked me to use a portion of this Week 1 offering to introduce myself. Yeah, right, like ya’ll don’t know who I am! Slap me with a tater tot and call me Spud!
Fine then. Here goes ...
• Even though I made a solid attempt to go stogie-free a few years ago, that lame publicity stunt didn’t work. Therefore, the Brad Pitt-like mug that accompanies this column each Friday during football season will continue to feature a half-lit stogie. Speaking of half-lit, did anyone happen to watch the Dems and Reps national conventions?
• Yes, the shirt is flowered. It was a birthday present from my late Aunt Edna, a lifelong Buffalo Bills fan until the day she died in a tragic snow-blower accident.
• My real name is Henry Foglestein, but please, please, please. Don’t go there or I’ll have to get out the BB gun. The name is Grump. But you can call me “Grumpie.”
• In the 1980s and ‘90s, my bride Eleanor and I cruised the Northwest countryside in our 1979 ‘Bago, searching for the ideal football community to call our own through the end of the season. My old college buddy Floyd, who lives in the metropolis of Vader, suggested we migrate here to soak in the 2000 pigskin follies.
And we’ve been coming back ever since. It’s the best high school football on God’s green planet, if you ask me.
So, I am back. And your life, at least for the next three months, will be more complete.
With this being an election year (and by no means am I obligated to vote for Johnny, just because we tipped back a few Rainiers way back when), I am hoping to have a few questions answered.
Such as: WHY DOES IT COST ME $214 TO FILL MY ’BAGO WITH GASOLINE?
By the way, if any local car dealers — those “handsome” Clary dudes, or maybe that “nice” Pat-Man Sari over at Ford — want to make me a deal on a hybrid ’Bago, I’d be willing to make a trade.
Until then, let the fumes of these dandy Week 1 selections infiltrate your brain ...
PREPS
Kalama at Woodland: This thing was quite a brouhaha last season. Rumor has it, they’re setting up a M*A*S*H unit on the sideline this time around. Both teams lost plenty to graduation night, but da Grump believes the ’Nookies have the best player on the field in Robby “RoboBack” Sanders. Phi Slamma Kalama 22, Mean Greenleaf Machine 14.
Naselle at Wahkiakum: They’re playing the KM Mountain Trophy game again, and the folks down on SR 4 should be proud to have it back. These are two teams that’ll make the postseason, but on this night The Hammer will have his Mule Train ramblin’ in the second half. Hammer’s Honchos 18, Eaton’s Banditos 8.
Fort Vancouver at R.A. Long: Jackies get the Bertram Era off to a good start by throwing some no-huddle befuddle action at the Trappers, then Sir William QB gets ’er done with his feet in the second half. Back In Black 21, Trap This 13.
Mark Morris at Kelso: Now we’re gettin’ somewhere, Grumpies! A tantalizing opening night matchup of cross-river combatants, with Coach P’s Monarchs making the short trek to Schroeder to battle Coach H’s Scotties. Skill folks are a push, but the baby blue boys have a little more junk in the trunk when it comes to big uglies in the trenches. M&Mers 27, Golden Domers 20.
Rainier at Banks: The Braves may want to consider attending “A.A.” meetings after this one: Andrew Anonymous. R-Town’s burly fullback should have his way with the home team, and watch out for an improved performance by new QB Mr. Tripp. Thor’s Thumpers 20, Broke Back Banks 12.
COLLEGES
BYU at Washington: Not sure what team the Dirty Rotten Ducks destroyed last week down at Datsun Stadium. The Huskies? I think not. That had to be a sixth-grade flag football team from Kent Elementary, with apologies to all flag football teams. Mitt Romney’s Favorite Team 38, Ty’s Montlake Mess 17.
Cal at Washington State: This one could be close. Think about it: Wulffie’s home debut, Pac-10 opener, reasonably big crowd. Yep, could be close. But it won’t be. Berkeley Hippies 41, Palouse Palookas 19.
San Diego State at Notre Dame: Do ya think Fat Charlie’s squad can handle the beach boys? On their home turf? With that drunk leprechaun darting around the sidelines? They better, or else Charlie will find himself working the night shift at Krispy Kreme. Touchdown Jesus 31, Kirc Roland’s Alma Mater 17.
Oregon State at Penn State: The Beavers couldn’t stop the vaunted offense of the Stanford Tree. How in the name of Dee Andros are they gonna invade Beaver Stadium and survive for four intense quarters? Jo-Pa For President 37, Corn Valley 16.
Miami at Florida: These aren’t your daddy’s Hurricanes. Tebow’s Troops 27, Miami Vice 13.
PROS
Seattle at Buffalo: The SeaSlobs traditionally struggle during day games in the eastern time zone, but against these guys? Don’t think so. The RBs go for 60 each and Matthew finds enough targets to go for 260 and three TDs. SeaSlobs 34, Beefalo Wings 21.
N.Y. Jets at Miami: Brett Fav-ruh couldn’t make up his mind whether to retire. He wishes he would’ve hung ’em up for good after this one. Parcells Is King 23, Nyets 10.
Kansas City at New England: The lone JV team in the NFL will get crushed by Tommy Terrific and his loaded receiving corps, even if Tommy only plays a half because of his bum hoof. Patsies 30, Chiefs 7.
Chicago at Indianapolis: The last time these teams met, Indy kicked to the Amazing Mr. Hester and paid the price. OK, just don’t kick it to him and you might roll a shutout. Horse Power 24, Da Bears 3.
Minnesota at Green Bay: It’s the for-real debut of Mr. Rodgers’ Neighborhood at Lambeau, and something tells da Grump that he’ll do just fine. Life After Brett 19, Vikes 14.
Gridiron Grump’s column appears Fridays in The Daily News during football season. He can be reached at gridgrump@tdn.com
Soon to be WSU Grad wrote on Sep 5, 2008 10:43 AM:
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