Fitzsimmons: What a wicked Web we've weaved. Or is it woven?
Friday, July 11, 2008 9:35 AM PDT
By Cal FitzSimmons
Editor
Printable version
E-mail this articleSince you have little or no understanding of how this Internet thing works I am here to offer you a free education.
First, a history lesson. Sometime in the early 1990s, Al Gore invented the Internet, well before he invented global warming. It is now hotly argued which was his worst contribution to society.
I won’t go into that, preferring to think about the many positives attached to Mr. Gore, including his discovery of Florida. Unfortunately, ungrateful residents of that state thanked him by voting for Pat Buchanan for president in 2000.
Gore sent off the first e-mail announcing his invention but that e-mail unknowingly contained the “what is this thing” virus, which was so destructive it was capable of blowing up the computers of everyone on the Internet. Since the Internet had just been invented, Gore’s e-mail was returned as “undeliverable” and mass crisis was averted. But unfortunately, it blew up Gore’s computer, destroying all evidence he had created the Internet.
The second e-mail came from Nigeria, where a former king’s fortune was being tied up by a corrupt regime. Thankfully, millions of people have stepped up to help with that problem.
About 15 minutes after Gore unveiled his invention, there were roughly 18 billion Web sites, 17.9 billion of them pornographic. Approximately 20 minutes after its invention, someone said “look, I received three e-mails.” And somebody else said “it’s not e-mails, you moron, it’s e-mail. If you have a stack of letters do you call them ‘mails?’ ”
Which was the invention of the Internet grammar police.
Investors quickly recognized the potential of this new communication and entertainment tool and shoveled billions of dollars into the Internet, throwing Wall Street into a tizzy not seen since the previous week when an inflation report showed modest growth and a report on consumer confidence indicated people were wishy-washy.
Soon, people with limited expertise and creativity and no social skills were dot.com billionaires. It didn’t take long, however, before wise investors realized they were dumping all their money into a company run by a 12-year-old wearing a retainer. Or even worse, a company run by Mark Cuban. Thus, we had the dot.com bust.
All the big money went away but the Internet plowed on, providing a worldwide audience with a cornucopia of porn to fulfill every deviant desire. Only a handful of non-porn Web sites and Internet service providers found ways to make money off Gore’s invention. Those included AOL, which invented low-speed Internet.
Still, smart business people knew this thing called the Internet was not going to go away and they needed to move fast to take advantage of this opportunity. Unfortunately, a culture of “free” had been established and users didn’t want to pay for anything online, except AOL low-speed Internet. And porn.
Soon, the Internet was like the lottery. Your chances of financial success were about 12.6 million to one but people played like crazy anyway. A few clever people invented non-porn Web sites that actually made money. Sites like eBay, Travelocity and Amazon.com made it easy for people to buy stuff while avoiding pesky things like taxes and reliability.
Search engines like Google and Yahoo made finding the best porn sites on the Internet fast and easy.
Soon, every business and government entity had its own Web site. For the most part, they were clunky, garish and annoying. Some of those “classic” sites remain, anticipating the Internet retro craze. (See city of Kelso).
Social networking began with a site called classmates.com, where people could register for free and connect with classmates from high school and college. If you made the mistake of registering yourself on that site you still get regular e-mail telling you former classmates have sent you messages. You can’t access or respond to those messages because you’re too cheap to pay for the “gold” package so your former friends think you now hate them. Well, if they were smart enough to type your name into Google they’d find your real e-mail address easily enough. So why should you feel guilty just because they’re stupid?
So, you don’t hate them. You just think they’re dumb, hypothetically speaking.
Social networking spawned mega-hits like myspace and facebook, where teens from 6 to 96 years old set up their own pages filled with clunky, garish and mostly annoying stuff. These places turned out to be great for ruining people’s lives. If, for example, a man announces he’s running for city council it takes about seven seconds to find his myspace page and share with the world pictures of him wearing a sexy but tasteful backless red teddy.
The opportunities for people to make fools of themselves gained even more momentum when YouTube came along. Now, you can set up a camera, sit in front of it picking your nose, post it on YouTube and become an international sensation.
Other opportunities to show the world just how dense and uncouth you are have become Internet staples. You can participate in blogs, forums, message boards, chats or other board-the-doors and hide-the-children communication tools. And finally, newspapers decided it would be a good idea to let people anonymously comment on their stories.
The general thinking was “what could go wrong?"
You can take it from here.
Originally published July 8, 2008.
Previous educational columns by Cal FitzSimmons:
"Take a deep breath"
"You really think we’d allow that?"
"A poor attempt at humor"
happymom wrote on Jul 9, 2008 8:27 AM:
The Grateful Dad wrote on Jul 9, 2008 8:42 AM:
Beer&Skittles wrote on Jul 9, 2008 8:59 AM:
Toutle Mom wrote on Jul 9, 2008 9:18 AM:
l-town mom wrote on Jul 9, 2008 10:22 AM:
happymom wrote on Jul 9, 2008 10:43 AM:
Mrs. Pellwerds wrote on Jul 9, 2008 11:23 AM:
gimpy wrote on Jul 9, 2008 11:24 AM:
Louie wrote on Jul 9, 2008 11:34 AM:
It appears that not only is cursive a lost art but entire phrases are drifting toward letters only, most of which I have no clue what they stand for. When I look at the artistic way penmanship was presented in the past and I knew who mail was from just by the handwriting on the envelope it saddens me that this form of expression is going the way of the dinosaurs...like me I guess. "
Zucchini wrote on Jul 9, 2008 11:47 AM:
imlovinit wrote on Jul 9, 2008 2:53 PM:
julietorell wrote on Jul 9, 2008 7:25 PM:
Diesel wrote on Jul 9, 2008 9:40 PM:
Cal your columns add that suttle touch of joy/happiness that many of us really like. THANKS!! "
Ella Mentry wrote on Jul 9, 2008 9:43 PM:
Ella Mentry wrote on Jul 9, 2008 9:47 PM:
Louie wrote on Jul 12, 2008 2:24 PM:
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