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New column: You people are weak, weak, weak

Wednesday, May 21, 2008 10:53 AM PDT

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Column by Cal FitzSimmons
Editor

The guy from Homeland Security is not at all happy with me.

Our plan to hunt down area residents whose flagrant insecurities may pose a threat to national security has been an abject failure.

I keep telling him to be patient. They can’t help themselves, I say. They’ll be back, bolder and more bizarre than ever.

But his patience is wearing thin. “Where is Tex from Cougar?” he keeps asking. “I don’t know,” I tell him. “Cougar, maybe.”

Our plot to identify, expose and imprison people who comment on our stories is off to a sluggish start. On Monday we went from a feedback free-for-all to a simple registration for people to be able to comment on stories.

All they needed to do was make up a name, provide a working e-mail address and give their date of birth. (My 25th birthday is coming up, by the way, so start the party planning now.)

As of this morning, we’d registered just over 100 people. That’s hardly worth warming up the black helicopters.

The Homeland Security guy wants a lot more. They’ve diverted a team of agents from airports and ports to work on this project, and they want results.

I’ll come up with something, I keep saying, all the while wondering if anyone brought pastries to work today.

Perhaps if I called people here cheap and lazy again they’d start signing up. The last time I did that the masses almost marched down Commerce with torches and pitchforks. Luckily, they decided they didn’t want to spend the bus fare to get downtown, or actually walk to the bus stop, much less march.

Or, I could offer up a thoughtful essay hypothesizing that Larry Wagle and Britney Spears are the same person.

I believe those two journalistic masterpieces were responsible for overloading our story comments software. Because one day all the comments on those columns and all the other stories went “poof,” technically speaking. Every brilliant response went supernova on us and those two Pulitzer-snubbed magnum opuses now sit seemingly unchallenged in the ether of our archives.

But I’m not a flamer. I don’t write things just to get people to post story comments, or now, to register.

I have too much respect for you people. At least I did until you retreated into a corner with your blankies and binkies.

Come out and play. The Homeland Security guy is relentless. He’s searching for WMDs (weapons of mass delirium), and I told him this was a target-rich environment.

Don’t disappoint him.

Meanwhile, I’ll be checking on the pastry situation. I hope somebody had the sense to bring cinnamon rolls and not maple bars. Maple bars are yucky, technically speaking again.

Now that’s flaming.

Originally published May 20, 2008.

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TdN Bad Boy wrote on May 20, 2008 12:31 PM:

" I don't ever expect an answer, but I would like to know why the TDN changed the format of this forum when a vast majority of the users voted for no change on the TDN poll? Is that the way you listen to readers? Maybe that's a big reason why the journalism industry is not highly thought of in this country anymore. Why should I trust you to deliver the news when you won't listen to me? "

duckguy wrote on May 20, 2008 12:48 PM:

" I just love all the commentors that that really think that Homeland Security or anyone else is interested in whether or not they show compassion in their posts. I do, however, think that "Hide Behind" puts up some jibberish that sounds eerily uni-bomberesk.

Oh no, I used the term uni-bomber. Now I better go home and check the phones for taps. "

Scot Heisel, TDN wrote on May 20, 2008 12:55 PM:

" In the last few days, several people have mentioned the front page poll we posted a few weeks ago regarding story comments. Keep in mind that in the column I published around the same time I stated we were "seriously considering" registration. Also, we never indicated that the poll would determine our decision. We simply wanted to gauge public sentiment on the matter. For the record, here were the results of the poll: Allow all/allow more: About 600 votes Keep it as is: About 500 Allow fewer/require registration: About 500 Scrap it: About 200 As you can see, there was hardly an overwhelming majority for any option. "

stink wrote on May 20, 2008 1:08 PM:

" yeah, the people overall are weak.. weak sauce!! "

Nexus wrote on May 20, 2008 1:10 PM:

" "The last time I did that the masses almost marched down Commerce with torches and pitchforks. Luckily, they decided they didnt want to spend the bus fare to get downtown, or actually walk to the bus stop, much less march."

I'm still laughing!
"

Annother Comment wrote on May 20, 2008 1:47 PM:

" Funny Stuff "

Mama Duck wrote on May 20, 2008 1:54 PM:

" LOL! LOL! LOL! Wait, let me gasp for some air.................Ok, Good one Cal, your funniest column yet!! "

TdN Bad Boy wrote on May 20, 2008 2:00 PM:

" Scott I don't think your figures are any where near accurate. First of all there were more categories. Second of all, the keep it as it is category was way more than 100 votes ahead of registration. In fact, there was a second category close to leave it as it is that came close its to matching the votes for registration. I seriously doubt your numbers. "

jibjab123 wrote on May 20, 2008 2:02 PM:

" I bet if you took a poll with the question of which would you prefer? A:Free Gas, B:$3 Gas, C:$5 gas. The overwhelming majority would choose free gas, but guess what? The gas stations aren't about to pony up their gas for free! Why? Because it doesn't make good business sense. The newspaper industry is losing money hand over fist in favor of an online community where information is endless. TDN needs to find a way to monetize anything and everything they can just to stay afloat. Not to mention, it has cut back a lot of the flaming, ignorant posters and overall bad juju. "

Doug McCratch wrote on May 20, 2008 2:09 PM:

" Oh, hush, TDN Bad Boy. Your paranoia and consipiracy theories about jiggered poll numbers is obnoxious. Scot's the one who DID the poll -- I should think he's got the numbers correct. "

opus wrote on May 20, 2008 2:16 PM:

" Ya can't scare me with these threats, Cal! I'm ready for the black helicopters, I just signed on again! This way I can argue against myself. "

Scot Heisel, TDN wrote on May 20, 2008 2:20 PM:

" Regarding the poll: Yes, "Keep it the same" received the most votes for any single category. For the tabulations above, some categories were combined. "Allow all comments" and "Allow more comments" are essentially the same argument. Those voters are asking for less restriction on comments, so I lumped them together. "Tighten controls" and "Require registration" both request greater restriction, so I counted them together. Bottom line, "Keep it the same" received roughly 28 percent of the vote (remember you could also vote to scrap comments altogether). "

UW Squirrels wrote on May 20, 2008 3:03 PM:

" Haha, great article Cal! The Cougar remark was awesome. Give it a rest TdN Bad Boy. Nowhere did anyone say that the poll answer with the most votes would be enacted. TDN isn't a democracy, they don't have to get everything approved by non-paying online readers before they change things. "

happymom wrote on May 20, 2008 3:12 PM:

" Cal, I want a pop up screen when your funny articles are posted online! LOL "

NJGZ wrote on May 20, 2008 4:26 PM:

" LMAO!!! Absolutely loved the sarcasm! Thanks for the laughs. "

Kelso Guy wrote on May 20, 2008 5:02 PM:

" Where is Tex from Cougar anyway? "

IWCJ wrote on May 20, 2008 6:07 PM:

" It'll pick up, Cal. Right now, as I type, the paranoid cheap people are chewing on some of the information they were given about IP addresses, club cards, and email accounts. Right now someone is curled up in the fetal position, slapping his forehead and repeating, "Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!" He will realize that it's all too late, and he has already submitted to the conspiracy of homeland security because of his greedy need to save three cents on gas at Safeway. And he'll register with TDN. He has nothing left to lose. "

Real American wrote on May 20, 2008 6:11 PM:

" Sounds like we need a Florida style recount. Scott!!! You don't get to count the hanging chads or "interpret" the votes for -leave as is- into -require registration-. Uh oh! Got to go now. I just heard a helicopter outside. I wonder if it is black too?
"

IWCJ wrote on May 20, 2008 6:16 PM:

" ...Then there are the folks who simply don't like change. We raised a ruckus when the DN went to a morning edition, but when the dust cleared, we did what we had to do. Received our paper in the morning. We'll be back this time, too. BTW, if the DN offered free donuts, free coffee, or heck, free *anything* there would be a mass registration. Just don't ask for their mailing address to send the coupons. Unless...nevermind. "

IWCJ wrote on May 20, 2008 6:23 PM:

" I just noticed today's poll. If the paranoid folk would like to know what information the FBI has in their central record's system (aka your "file"), you can request this information. But then this leads to the notion that the FBI will only tell you what they want you to know.... Here's their web site: http://foia.fbi.gov/ "

Diesel wrote on May 20, 2008 7:17 PM:

" Where is Tex? I'm gettin worried about him. Another great column Cal. And don't worry cuz the whinners and loonies will be back like a moth to a light. "

Kelso Hilander wrote on May 20, 2008 7:32 PM:

" I am not sure it is real appropriate to try and offend your readers like that. I would still like to point out that story comments are not real high on many stories yet. I am sure offending everyone is the proven way to get them to register and post comments. "

Ella Mentry wrote on May 20, 2008 7:46 PM:

" No other place to vent this frustration, so I chose here. I AM SO SICK OF THAT STUPID PEACEHEALTH AD THAT AUTO PLAYS WHEN I CRUISE THE SITE!!!! "At the top of the list for your family's health care needs..." I grab a cup of tea, put my feet up, and think I'm going to relax with some light reading...when suddenly that annoying man's voice booms through my speakers. Someone should tell PeaceHealth that they really aren't at the top of my list. If there is a life-or death emergency, of course I'll be at the PeaceHealth ED, but as far as the clinics....you can't even get in to see a provider when you need to. Peacehealth calls this "limited access." I call it bad service. "

greenbean wrote on May 20, 2008 8:35 PM:

" It took me a day to sign up because I just couldn't think of a name. Maybe others are having the same dilemma. We used to be able to pick a name on the fly and use a different on each time. Now we're stuck. I will miss pangborn most of all. By the way, my theory is that pangborn and Larry Wagle are the same person. "

Kelso Hilander wrote on May 20, 2008 9:05 PM:

" I agree with Ella Mentry about the annoying add!!! "

Granola VonBirkenstock wrote on May 20, 2008 9:47 PM:

" Ok, Cal, you've thrown down the gauntlet, forcing me to divulge personal information that will probably alert every TSA agent in the country, not to mention the CIA and the FBI and maybe even the AARP. Personally, I'm hoping for a ride in one of those black helicopters! Maybe we can fly over Cougar & locate Tex. By the way, I have to agree with the Hilander & Ella, that is one annoying ad! "

Scot Heisel, TDN wrote on May 20, 2008 10:06 PM:

" Geez. People complain about the image verification thingee for months. We get rid of it, hardly a peep. Now it's on to our ads? Weak. "

Ella Mentry wrote on May 20, 2008 10:55 PM:

" Oh, for pete's sake, lighten up. How is voicing my annoyance over a tired, old video-ad...."weak?" ~Just curious~ If your feelings are hurt because no one said thank you that the image verification went away with registration...well, *thank you* ? Still doesn't change the fact I don't like the PH ad, but there ya go. PS: The ad isn't *your* fault, and I was "complaining" about the business who pays for that ad, *not* TDN. If I was using non-profit money to pay for advertising, I would want some feedback from the target audience. But that's just me. "

Scot Heisel, TDN wrote on May 20, 2008 10:59 PM:

" Sorry, Ella. I was trying to be funny. Can't compete with Cal, I guess. "

Ella Mentry wrote on May 21, 2008 12:34 AM:

" Gosh, Cal is no Rick Horowitz or anything. And just 'cause you aimed at humour and, well, ~missed~ doesn't mean it was entirely your fault. I was in the outfield (the "right" one, if you're curious) watching a pretty butterfly land on a daisy. Next time shout, "Ellaaaaa...heads up!" "

UW Squirrels wrote on May 21, 2008 12:47 AM:

" Scott, that stupid St. John's ad is the worst thing in the history. It always has bugged me more than anything else, including the image verification. A major rule that most every web designer knows is that you don't play video or audio automatically without input (a click) from the visitor. That rule especially goes for ads. That ad always has me scrambling to turn down my speakers and then try make it stop. Tell me, Scott, how many other websites have you seen that play video ads with sound? "

starfire wrote on May 21, 2008 12:53 AM:

" I don't understand the paranoia. I would never post under my real name, but nobody posting on TDN is more or less traceable by "Big Brother" with the new registration requirements than with the old system. If law enforcement subpeonaed TDN for user information, they would be provided an IP address by TDN. It doesn't matter if the IP address matches a registered TDN user or an unregistered "anonymous" user. It doesn't matter if they used a free email account and fake DOB just to register. The IP address will lead back to the Internet Service Provider (ISP) of the computer that made the post. The ISP would be the one providing name and address information to the cops. Even websites that offer anonymizing proxies (which hide a user's IP address from the web sites they visit) and hardcore free speech websites have to submit to court orders and subpeonas. Anyway, hopefully people with relax and stop being so paranoid (maybe a few crazy ones will realize they should have been paranoid all along). "

1209 wrote on May 21, 2008 3:34 AM:

" Weak? Sleep is for the weak. I seem to remember comments from a few months back laughing at the notion that NSA would ever trace these comments back to the enemies of The United States. It's funny what a difference only a few months and a little enlightenment about IP addresses can make. Yet, we can count on everything being a whole lot funnier starting this November. "

stink wrote on May 21, 2008 5:32 AM:

" Tex from Cougar!

Where are you buddy.. I need my daily laugh from the fringe my man! "

1209 wrote on May 21, 2008 6:02 AM:

" If we can all take a break, for a moment, from our general smugness - let's remember that you can still provide unregistered TDN comments along the 500 block of 15th Avenue in Longview. "

Tired of thinking of user names wrote on May 21, 2008 6:58 AM:

" Just an fyi lurkers, you can leave the name part on the registration blank. As stated you just need an e-mail, user name, password, and year of birth. "

KelsoLesbian wrote on May 21, 2008 7:03 AM:

" Cal, Thank you for a great laugh! This was the perfect article. "

Rosie wrote on May 21, 2008 8:38 AM:

" Perhaps, since you have our email address, you could send us a response back as to why one of our comments was not posted. Sometimes I feel my comments have been kept within the guidelines and not posted. A quick email of the violation could help me in reformulating my comment. "

squirrel wrote on May 21, 2008 8:45 AM:

" Love the article Cal! I think it's a little like trying to stir the pot of soup after you've scorched it on the bottom though... It will be fabulous fun to watch for those who've said they wouldn't be back - I agree, they'll be back like moths to the flame. Thank you Scott Heisl, for providing the poll results. I think it's interesting that everyone seems to think that everything belongs to them! TDN is a private business. They sell advertising and subscriptions to make a profit. They are not here to 'do as the readers' command'! I have a business too, and, quite frankly, there's plenty of people who want me to do this or that, but I may only gain them as a customer (the pain-in-the-rear kind), but would lose many others. It's a business decision - deal with it! "

Jackal wrote on May 21, 2008 8:59 AM:

" Cal, would you ever consider giving me a visit sometime? You're hilarious, I want to know how you come up with this stuff. "

Your Neighbor wrote on May 21, 2008 9:01 AM:

" Well, ok. I like knowing "who" is posting, I guess. It is easy enough to open email accounts with different names if it is that important to you. I do miss the "subject line" use for the names, directing the comment at a particular response. That's what I always used it for.
I second the annoying ad complaint. It is intrusive and has given me negative feelings about a place about which I was previously neutral. "

Amazed By Ignorance wrote on May 21, 2008 10:25 AM:

" I find it amusing that people complain about registration. Americans can no longer assemble in public lawfully, without obtaining a permit first. That's been on the books for years. There has been a silent, yet steady increasing effort by the "powers that be", to make freedom of speech as difficult as possible. How difficult are they making it?...in truth, not at all. It's just one more way to deter the apathetic "weak" people a voice. The only way that an individual can take away freedom of speech, is if the individuals take it from themselves. As for you, Cal....your rants are normally entertaining, but, to have such views at the tender age of 25?, well...I see you as nothing more than a shadow of those great comics in our society that have earned, through life experience...the right to such rants. Your cynicism, I offer cynically...hasn't been earned yet. "

Jackal wrote on May 21, 2008 10:57 AM:

" It's free to sign up, I really don't see why anyone would freak out about it. Nobody can track you down, it doesn't put you in danger or anything. It just stops several problems like posting as multiple people. Nothing to freak out about. "

pangborn wrote on May 21, 2008 11:55 AM:

" Biting satire... good.. not so gentle sarcasm.

"

Master Wario wrote on May 21, 2008 11:56 AM:

" They are not really looking for us are they? "

greenbean wrote on May 21, 2008 2:41 PM:

" To "Ella Mentry": What exactly is "non-profit" money? I like the PH ad. I see my doctor in it. By the way, you can turn off the sound if you don't like it, or turn your volume down. "

Louie wrote on May 21, 2008 3:16 PM:

" Come on Cal, give Larry a break. He is just trying to raise awareness of the inequities in society and education. Talking about 'taboo' subjects seems to stir up controversy and Mr. Wagle is often at the center of it. I do believe his intentions are good. He has opinions and has a right to express them.
As for Britney...she is the epitome of the term 'dumb blonde!' Its really not a fair comparison in my opinion. Applebee's is about as close to what I would consider fine dining Shari's. Neither would fit the criteria. Actually Longview does not have a 'fine dining' establishment...so sad.
Walking to downtown shops was never a problem to me. The problem is there is not much interesting downtown to walk to...a few, but not many. Second-hand stores are abundant and that seems to be what locals want since they support them. No wonder the choice is made to head for Portland or Seattle to shop and dine.
I thought the downtown market was pretty nice on my visit. Much more compact and less of a traffic flow interruption. Check it out people. There are some great vendors there as well as at the Cowlitz County Farmer's Market at the fairgrounds. "

JM wrote on May 21, 2008 3:17 PM:

" Good work Cal. You finally got me. Keep up the great columns. "

bigdar wrote on May 21, 2008 3:55 PM:

" Every breath you take, every move you make, every claim you stake, I`ll be watching you. I do believe there is a song there somewhere. If someone out there really wants to know what people are doing, they would not be gathering info from The Daily News. You must trust me. "

Garianne wrote on May 21, 2008 4:57 PM:

" Love the column, to funny! "

Entertained wrote on May 22, 2008 12:51 PM:

" I'm registered now. I've only left a couple of comments in the past. I enjoy reading the comments good or bad. They really show how intelligent, funny, witty, or just plain stupid people are. Everyone has their opinion. If you don't like it, don't register. "

cheney119 wrote on May 22, 2008 9:12 PM:

" Cal I have never thought anything you wrote was even remotely funny. TDN's sensoring policy is just plain scary. I do not care if you agree with me, but if all I can say is God bless and best wishes than what is the point? My prayers don't go very high, so when I give my blessings it is only facetiously. If your feelings a that fragile don't read the blog. If Homeland Security is after me it's only because they despise honesty, sort of like TDN. "

cheney wrote on May 22, 2008 9:37 PM:

" Cal you've got to be kidding me? You are 24 years old. Accuse me of ageism but you have NO business editing anything except a yearbook at 24 years old. I say pure BS, no way someone with basically no experience, gets to edit our paper. If I were still in the Navy I'd send you to the mess decks and let you scrub pots and pans. That would be an insult to pots and pans. I wonder why I find you articles infantile, juevenile and just plain not the least bit funny. Cal I think your blackberry is ringing, or is it a blueberry. "

Scot Heisel, TDN wrote on May 22, 2008 11:03 PM:

" In case some of you really did miss the joke, Cal is NOT 25. It's more like 22, though we've never been able to nail it down for certain. Our calculations indicate he joined the Navy when he was 7. "

Reality wrote on May 23, 2008 6:55 AM:

" There sure are some dim bulbs in this room! "

Jackal wrote on May 23, 2008 9:31 AM:

" Well, looks like Cal's plan worked. Look at all the people who joined to yell at him! "

mill creek resident wrote on May 23, 2008 4:48 PM:

" personally, I'm rather annoyed that so much on the net requires registration... I'm too casual for this, I like a quick internet fix to pass the time between LCC and work.

Now look what you've made me do? I registered instead of sleeping before work, thanks alot... five minutes I'll never get back. "

J. A. Long wrote on May 23, 2008 6:42 PM:

" Did someone lose a canned ham (water added) on one of these pages? "

Ella Mentry wrote on May 24, 2008 2:08 PM:

" To greenbean: Non-profit: "An incorporated organization which exists for educational or charitable reasons, and from which its shareholders or trustees do not benefit financially." PeaceHealth is a non-profit organization. That means that it's advertising is paid for with non-profit dollars. They boast (in their "Core Values") "good stewardship," which means they spend money wisely, among other things. I was just offering my opinion that I don't like that specific ad, and if I were in charge (it's a fantasy of mine, go with it) of advertising, I would want public feedback on my ads. : ) That's all. Yep, I usually turn off the speakers, but I don't always remember. "

me1978 wrote on Jun 2, 2008 12:37 PM:

" This article gave me the best laugh I've had in days. Also, I am one that appreciates the new registration as I don't have to use as much of my brain to post. No thinking of a name or subject line, no figuring out the stupid image verification. Now if only you guys would trust us and not censor our comments so that I don't have to wait and see it post. Makes it too difficult to hold a conversation! :-) "

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