Full Forecaste

Past Month's Most Commented Stories

Home > Area News

New column: I'll get to saving the world shortly

Wednesday, April 30, 2008 8:12 AM PDT

By Cal FitzSimmons

Font Size:
 
 

There’s a good reason I haven’t written one of these columns lately.

It has to do with my desire to better serve humanity.

I’ve been internally searching for just the right thing I could write that would make the world a better place, in my own way. I’m talking about global warming of the cuddly, fuzzly variety. You don’t just throw something that important together without great introspection.

Yes, that sounds self-important but it really isn’t about my big head, it’s about changing the world one poorly constructed sentence at a time.

Speaking of big heads, I owe an apology to Matthew McConaughey.

In a discussion with a reporter recently I was talking about famous short people with big heads and I mentioned McConaughey. She immediately challenged me. She said the actor is at least 6 feet tall, while I argued he was more like 5-8.

We did a Google search, which turned up numerous possibilities for his height, as well as information on him I could never want to know. I needed the most authoritative source I could find, so I went to People magazine, which in its 2005 “Sexiest Man Alive” edition firmly said “His bathrobe is monogrammed with 5'11 3/4", his exact height.”

Yes, I was wrong about him being short. But why would he have his height monogrammed on his bathrobe? And how would the reporter for People magazine get access to that bathrobe? I smell a conspiracy, or at least a cover-up.

Now that’s quality writing right there. I said cover-up in reference to a bathrobe. If clever word play like that won’t change the world I don’t know what will.

So, that Matthew McConaughey-height-obsessed reporter was sort of correct. Maybe she has an unhealthy infatuation with the guy, being so attuned with his vertical dimensions and all. She could probably even tell you the last time he wore a shirt in public.

But none of that should take away from my original point about short people with big heads. My other examples, Tom Cruise, Dustin Hoffman, Robert Downey Jr. and Michael J. Fox have some abnormally large noggins but would probably get turned away from the Octopus ride at the carnival.

Height-wise, they’re shrimps who should be walking around with massive chips on their shoulders, picking fights with much larger people and getting the snot knocked out of them. But oh, no, they’re big-time celebrities, picking fights with much larger people on screen. And winning! Though, I can’t recall Dustin Hoffman in a fight, really, unless you include that sort-of tussle he had with Robert De Niro in “Meet the Fockers.” (De Niro, by the way, isn’t exactly a towering figure at 5-9.)

And why do these future limbo hall of famers seem so much larger than life? It’s all about those huge melons they’re lugging around. When the camera zooms in for a close-up, they’re gigantic.

Perhaps the best example of disproportionate-cranium syndrome is Henry Winkler. Yep, The Fonz. He was the tough-guy biker on “Happy Days.” And long before that show literally jumped the shark with his hand on the throttle, millions of TV viewers bought into the idea he was a UFC-quality brawler. According to my crack research, he’s about 5-6, which is the same height as Al Pacino, I’ll have you know. Which is exactly how tall Ross Perot stands.

All of that should tell you something. What, I don’t know. But if you’re going to make the world a better place sometimes you need to start small.

Previous Next

common man wrote on Apr 30, 2008 7:50 AM:

" The Daily News could help make Cowlitz County a better place if they would make sure their reporters stay through the whole meetings they are sent to cover, instead of leaving in the middle. It would also be nice if they covered the County agencies that directly effect our lives like Commissioner meetings, Planning Commission, and public health. But, then they would be reporting the news, not "snooze" "

saywhat wrote on Apr 30, 2008 7:53 AM:

" Glad to have you back, Cal. Interesting how your mind works sometimes - ever tried therapy? :-) Nah, that would ruin your 'interesting mind'. "

Helen wrote on Apr 30, 2008 8:03 AM:

" You didn't mention any of the Kennedys "

JRO wrote on Apr 30, 2008 8:27 AM:

" Cal, you clearly need to see Sam Peckinpah's 1971 classic "Straw Dogs", so as to get a frame of reference for Dustin Hoffman fighting. "

Have you noticed... wrote on Apr 30, 2008 8:29 AM:

" That these people you mention with big heads, are laughing all the way to the bank? Big head + screen time = $$ "

Missing wrote on Apr 30, 2008 9:09 AM:

" Danny DeVito? Hello. Wiffed on that one, Cal. "

pangborn wrote on Apr 30, 2008 9:38 AM:

" Cagney was two feet tall but look what he did in WHITE HEAT.

Tall isn't the opposite of short. Long is the opposite of short.

I long for better days but my longs always fall short.

Save a child save the world.

That was pompous.

A little pompousity is a good thing.

A little.




"

Missed you Cal wrote on Apr 30, 2008 9:44 AM:

" Always thought-provoking and fun to read. Wasn't Alan Ladd really short? Don't know about the size of his noggin, but I recall stories of his needing to stand on something to appear taller than his leading ladies. I was married to someone who inSISted he was taller than I was. Very napoleonic. "

Newcomer wrote on Apr 30, 2008 9:54 AM:

" LOL, loved the article Cal, thanks for the grin. Immediately my own hubby comes to my mind - just 5'6" with the most incredibly `gigantic cranium'. He keeps his cranium shaved clean, which somehow makes it just that much more obvious how gigantic it really is. He says it's because he's got such a huge brain. Oh, and hey - let's not forget Elmer Fudd. Another shortie with a giant noggin! "

Please note wrote on Apr 30, 2008 10:18 AM:

" The only woman you mention in your column was the one you picked a fight with. And you lost. And she's probably shorter than you. I'm 5' 1/2", female, elected official, changing the world one meeting at a time, prob. big head. LOL "

Amy Fischer Daily News reporter wrote on Apr 30, 2008 10:42 AM:

" To Common Man: Reporters often leave meetings early because we have deadlines. When I cover night meetings, I rush back to the office and crank out a story as fast as possible so the news will show up in the next day's paper. Sometimes I have less than 30 minutes to write. If something newsworthy happens at a meeting after we leave, we usually follow up on it the next day. "

Fencepost wrote on Apr 30, 2008 12:14 PM:

" I have no idea what that column was about. Must be Cal's big head, thinking he can write about whatever's on his rambling mind and expecting it will make people want to buy his rag. Anyway, a coworker of mine is a short guy with a big head, too, and he doesn't know when to shut up either. As for reporters leaving a meeting early... maybe that's why TDN used to be an afternoon paper (until Ted Natt sold it and the big heads of the new mega-corporation knew better). I'd better quit while I'm ahead. (Get it? A HEAD? It's a joke. Laugh.) "

longview mom wrote on Apr 30, 2008 12:15 PM:

" WOW!!! This one was kind of out of the park. Love you columns every time you write them but I have to say that being short with a big head can be a problem sometimes. I mean how are you going to keep from getting top hevey and falling over. Personaly I find wearing my hair in a pony tail helps;) Have a wonderful day all!!!! By the way I am 5ft2in and my husband is a whole 5ft7in. He keeps his hair in a pony tail as well. It cost to much to fall and have to go the doctor. "

To Common Man wrote on Apr 30, 2008 3:06 PM:

" go to the meeting yourself. "

gimpy wrote on Apr 30, 2008 3:12 PM:

" So......how tall are you, Cal? Personally, I agree with Randy Newman. "

UW PSE wrote on Apr 30, 2008 5:08 PM:

" I'm 6' 7" tall. Just thought I'd throw that out there. "

Observant co-worker wrote on Apr 30, 2008 5:27 PM:

" I believe Cal is 6'2". So practically anybody's short next to him. "

But Cal... wrote on Apr 30, 2008 5:59 PM:

" Are their heads really that big? For this to be a close to scientific discussion you would need to provide detailed statistics of all body parts and sizes.... including the noggin to rest of body ratio. Without this we can only stare at photographs (dressed please!) of these folk and speculate as the bigness of the brain housing group. We should all remember that the brain housing group does consist of that grey matter on the inside as well as the shell on the outside. Are these big-headed people gifted with larger inner heads? Is that what makes them do what they do for all that money? And what is with the sexistness of this column.... do not many women have big heads too? They can, after all, hide a lot of melon under that hair. In the end, what does it matter...so long as each can stand on a box for the camera, that they appear at least as large as life? "

Yay wrote on May 1, 2008 10:15 AM:

" Cally's back! *That* makes the world a better place. : )

"

Louie wrote on May 1, 2008 5:48 PM:

" Finally, another chuckle from Cal.
I actually think Tom Cruise has taken a tumble from grace with the public, women in particular and what red-blooded female wouldn't like to feast their eyes on McConaughey?...none I know! "

blush re Louie wrote on May 1, 2008 7:12 PM:

" Heck, what red-blooded male wouldn't like to feast their eyes on him - or maybe just feast... Give it up for diversity in Longview! "

Bill wrote on May 1, 2008 9:52 PM:

" Cal may be 6'2" but we only get a head shot in the paper. How are we to gauge head vs body size without the complete picture? So what is your hat size Cal? "

Are We Talking wrote on May 7, 2008 6:36 PM:

" about big heads or fat heads? Because I know alot of people of all heights that have fat heads. First time I read your column and thought it was great. "

Top Jobs
More Top Jobs
Top Garage Sales
More Top Garage Sales
Top Rentals
More Top Rentals