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New column: It's been an irrationally ruff week

Friday, March 14, 2008 12:59 PM PDT

By Cal FitzSimmons

cfitzsimmons@tdn.com

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This place has gone to the dogs

And I’ve about had it. Dog Zone trial (not guilty), guy shoots dog (bad, good, bad, good), dog park (no, yes, I don’t know).

Enough already.

Let’s talk about something else, like irrational dislikes.

Irrational dislikes are fun.

I have a bunch of them. “Star Wars,” for example. I’ve never seen any of the movies and I’m kind of irrationally proud of that. I’ve seen snippets on TV but never a whole movie. Why? Because I have an irrational dislike of “Star Wars.”

Meat loaf is another. Not the singer, which would not be irrational, but the meat product. It doesn’t have any ingredients I dislike, but the combination just has no appeal. “He had an irrational dislike of meatloaf.” That’s what it should say on my headstone.

Except I have an irrational dislike of headstones and burials in general, but I won’t go into that.

I’m here to talk about the big one, the granddaddy of all irrational dislikes. This is the one that’s going to get me in trouble. (Yes, the “Star Wars” comment could get me in trouble but who’s afraid of a bunch of dweebs waiving plastic light sabers?)

The big one is Oprah Winfrey. And that isn’t a comment on her weight. I don’t even know what she looks like this week. And I don’t care. I just dislike her. You remember when Tom Cruise was jumping up and down on her sofa? That was irrational dislike overload for me. Tom Cruise. Yuck. I have a completely irrational dislike of him that dates back to everything he did after “Risky Business.”

Back to Oprah, though. She has a new TV show called “Oprah’s Big Give.” She just had to have her name in the title, didn’t she? She’s so full of herself, or at least I think she is. I only know bits and pieces of the phenomenon that is Oprah. I’ve seen clips of her squealing as she gives cars to everyone in her audience. That bugged me a lot, for some reason.

I know about her book club. I know she pumped up that one author who later saw his career crumble into a million little pieces. I know she gave him the Oprah smack-down for making up most of the book. I dislike him for writing a fake book and her for being mad at him for doing it.

I love books but if I see one that says “As featured on Oprah’s Book Club” I won’t buy that book. That’s irrational.

But hey, she’s a real giving person, you say. Sure, she gave us Dr. Phil. Thanks a lot.

She built a school for girls in Africa. I still don’t like her. She endorsed Barack Obama. Now I’m having trouble liking him. Couldn’t she just have stayed out of the whole political thing?

Should I delve deeper into this irrational Oprah dislike? I don’t usually afford my irrational dislikes such courtesy. I don’t like the guy who plays Mac on the Mac vs. P.C. commercials. I don’t have any real reason for that, other than his character’s smug attitude and the fact he talks with his hands in his pockets. That guy actually was enjoyable in the last “Die Hard” movie. And he’s dating Drew Barrymore, who I like a lot, rather irrationally, because most of her movies make me nauseous.

Maybe I look at Oprah as a walking, talking, breathing chick flick. Women seem to love her. Men who like her are trying to score points with women. That’s what I think.

I suspect Oprah isn’t all that fond of men, except maybe as household accessories. I have the feeling she thinks we’re all flawed and she’s taken it upon herself to send a legion of her disciples out to fix those endless flaws.

I’ve seen her O magazine on the shelves, each one with a picture of her on the cover, of course. I’ve never opened one because I fear what’s inside. It can’t be good for men, that’s what I’m thinking. Maybe I’m wrong, but the beauty of irrationality is I don’t need to find out.

I’m going to stick with the idea she thinks most men are dogs. And I’ve about had it with dogs.

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opus wrote on Mar 14, 2008 9:38 AM:

" OMG! I agree with almost every word you wrote, Cal! Except I like the Mac guy, and I'm a pc person. But don't blame the dogs for the woeful stories in this week's local news. Blame the humans, after all, dogs don't have the decision-making capability that the humans involved should have. "

W.W. wrote on Mar 14, 2008 10:09 AM:

" This is very humorous, and the key to humor is an element of truth, so I think you have some points here. In fact, I can't say I disagree with anything you say. Good column, Cal. It's well written and entertaining. "

My irrational dislike wrote on Mar 14, 2008 10:22 AM:

" I cannot stand Obama's voice; it is like nails on a chalk board to me. "

StevefromKelso wrote on Mar 14, 2008 10:30 AM:

" Oprah as a living chick flick, love the analagy. She bugs me also, but my wife says "She's so charitable and kind". She may be, but she always makes sure the camera is on her when she's doing her good deeds. "

Louie wrote on Mar 14, 2008 10:41 AM:

" Another entertaining, well written "New Column" Cal. Although I disagree with you on the Oprah thing, I think she is very generous with her money and genuinely is making an effort to put her money work in some positive ways. Many men don't even deserve to be compared to dogs...no contest...Dogs Rule! Ruff to take? Oh well, just my opinion. "

Reader wrote on Mar 14, 2008 11:04 AM:

" I have an irrational dislike for John Travolta. It may be because of his insanely large chin dimple, I don't know. I'm just not his number one fan. "

TK wrote on Mar 14, 2008 11:26 AM:

" David Ippolito's song "Tom Cruise Scares Me" might appeal to you. David is also frightened by Oprah, David Blaine, Dick Cheney, and Wolf Blitzer. The download is well worth the buck.

thatguitarman dot com "

contrary wrote on Mar 14, 2008 11:36 AM:

" I am a female and Oprah Winfrey does absolutely NOTHING for me. "

happymom wrote on Mar 14, 2008 12:00 PM:

" But you haven't had my meatloaf! LOL Thanks for the Friday humor! "

I needed that... wrote on Mar 14, 2008 12:27 PM:

" Thanks, Cal, for a great finish to a nasty week. And by the way, the highest form of charity is anonymous. Oprah may have a lot to give it away, but her need to be center-stage in all of it (and that howl of hers!!!!) makes it all about her. Bad karma. "

agreed wrote on Mar 14, 2008 12:45 PM:

" Oprah is highly over rated! I too am female and I think she likes the spotlight way to much! It has been a rough week glad it is Friday awesome humor Cal! "

too funny wrote on Mar 14, 2008 12:53 PM:

" I have an irrational dislike of british accents! Thanks for the laugh! "

Hide Behind wrote on Mar 14, 2008 12:58 PM:

" Once Oprah was fat and now she is phat, Once she was a joke and now when she appears it is not just a laughing matter.Why do women seem to love her more than men, could be she won't take crap off of or support just any guy, and she shows what women can do if given a chance. Life demands that some of earths secrets remain irrational; especially those of the human mind as in what is love or hate, to each their own, for if one can still recognize it as being irrational and harmless andAs long as we can still laugh at our own as well as others idosyncratic behaviors then we are just being rational and they who have too tight a ruff need to stop their irrational behavior and making it rough on the rest of us. "

kalama res wrote on Mar 14, 2008 1:26 PM:

" I, personally, can't think of anyone who likes Oprah. "

okokok wrote on Mar 14, 2008 1:27 PM:

" My irrational dislike is the people driving 70mph in the fastlane,they are right but it drives me crazy to see the dangerous line of traffic screaming behind them.Of coarse I dislike the people doing 60mph in the truck lane too,SHARE the ROAD! "

Thanks wrote on Mar 14, 2008 1:28 PM:

" Thanks Cal, that was very funny! I also don't like Oprah much, and it makes one feel a little like an outcast because so many people love her. I'll have to think what other irrational dislikes I might have... "

Another one wrote on Mar 14, 2008 1:47 PM:

" I have an irrational dislike for the Vonage phone commercials. The second their "woo hoo, woo hoo hoo" music starts up, I change the TV channel.

I also dislike men who wear dress shirts buttoned to the top without a tie and don't wear a belt. And people who say, "cool beans." And men who shave their sideburns off above their ears, giving them "whitewalls." "

somedude wrote on Mar 14, 2008 1:47 PM:

" Does Oprah give the gifts or does the Company's advertising with her show give them away! Did Oprah go out and write a Check for the cars that were given to her audience? Do you really think Oprah reads all the Books she endorses? I doubt it I am sure she has “people” that take care of these things for her…all Oprah does is show up and yet she get’s all the praise! Guess you can say I don’t care for her either! I do hope that her endorsing Obama Chaps Hillary butt! I mean picking a man over her! How dare she! Hillary said she had all the black votes wrapped up just like Bill did but isn’t playing the race card of course! Roflmao "

On Oprah... wrote on Mar 14, 2008 2:21 PM:

" Her 'gifts' may not come out of her own Fendi pocket, but she is the production company, too. It's basically hers to give away (with help from advertisers). Ew, ew, ew. I think she's a cartoon. I'd be embarrassed to be seen in her audience. "

Ridin' the Wave wrote on Mar 14, 2008 3:01 PM:

" This morning I was hanging out at my desk eating my Cheerios and reading the back of the box. It's not that much fun anymore...there was a picture of a man and he was trying to get me to sign up for a membership in his "best life" club. Two months free and everything. All I had to do was rip the box apart to discover two secret codes, and go online and register, credit card required. Then I'm supposed to "take my Best Life to a whole new level." For me, that equals wearing my "good" underwear to the doctor appointment. Just when I'm thinking, Who the H is this guy, I see it. "Bob Greene. Oprah's Trainer." Then I read that he's a best-selling author. AND an editor of the O mag. Ahhhh. After I cut out the comics and taped them to the back of the box, I realized that a lot of folks out there must believe that there's something nifty about Bob, being Oprah's trainer, and all. I mean, they do focus groups on these things. His likeability factor must be significant or Cheerios wouldn't have given him back-of-the-box space. So...how many other people have ridden Oprah's wave? (Oh, get your mind out of the gutter, you know what I mean) "

Vonage wrote on Mar 14, 2008 3:06 PM:

" I like the woo hoo, woo hoo hoo jingle. It makes me happy. I don't like Vonage, but their woo hoo hoos are fun. : ) "

IWCJ wrote on Mar 14, 2008 3:35 PM:

" I just did an inter-office email survey. Question: Do you like Oprah? 19 responses. 18 were "no." One person replied, "Only if it's fried in corn meal, not boiled...it feels like snot if you boil it." "

CR girl2 wrote on Mar 14, 2008 3:40 PM:

" The song on the Vonage commercial is actually from the movie "Kill Bill," which is a really cool movie.
Therefore, the song is also killer.

But ... don't pick on Meatloaf (the singer). After all, he would do anything for love, but he won't do that.
What is "that" anyway? Does anyone know? If you know, please tell me.
Thanks
"

IMHO wrote on Mar 14, 2008 3:43 PM:

" To be an irrational fear, there would be no good reason for it. Therefore, your fear of Oprah is completely rational. "

Answer for CR girl2 wrote on Mar 14, 2008 3:59 PM:

" First, it's "forget the way you feel right now." Then *that* is "forgive myself if we don't go all the way tonight." Then it's "never do it better than I do it with you." Next it's "never stop dreaming of you." Finally, it's "forget everything." I guess *that* is a lot of things.... "

Rational dislike wrote on Mar 14, 2008 6:36 PM:

" I have a rational dislike of wasting time and space on such an amazingly worthless and pointless jumble of words. There is real news out there! "

re contrary wrote on Mar 14, 2008 8:06 PM:

" So what would it mean if you were a female and Opra really did do it for you? :) "

pangborn wrote on Mar 14, 2008 10:27 PM:

" A lot of dislikes come from fear of. An example I cite is dislike of blue tarp. When the person spoke of it there was a grimace and a shudder.

Maybe that's why the legislation of no blue tarp in Longview.

Oprah. Yes. I agree.
Tom Cruise is creepy.

I dislike little and ignore most of the rest.

I can't ignore dog poop in my yard.

I think it's nasty.

Cleaning up after a four legged pooper makes me grimace and shudder. "

Irrational? wrote on Mar 15, 2008 1:28 AM:

" I find nothing irrational in any of your dislikes, except for, maybe, the Mac guy in the Mac or PC commercials. I think that the smugness is exaggerated intentionally in order to cause the intentional dweebiness of the PC guy to become even more exaggerated. Now, that previous sentence CERTAINLY has potential for irrational dislike... or perhaps just plain and simple general dislike. Either way, I LOVED THIS ARTICLE!!! If we're going to have whimsical articles in our newspaper (both online and hard copy), then let them be in this genre. I'M STILL LAUGHING OUT LOUD AT THIS ONE!!! Thanks so much for closing out the work week with some much-needed light-hearted humor................................................................ Oh, and WHO THE HECK IS OPRAH? "

To: Rational dislike wrote on Mar 15, 2008 9:49 AM:

" Obviously, "Rational dislike" has no clue that humorous articles, like this one that we're commenting on here, have been published in American newspapers since newspapers started being published in our country, even while we were still just colonies of the British Empire. In Boston in 1722, Benjamin Franklin, as a young 16 year old lad, wrote humorous columns (the "Silence Dogood" letters) that were regularly published in the New England Courant newspaper. Those whimsical articles, written under the pseudonym, "Silence Dogood" (supposedly the young widow of a minister), poked fun at various aspects of life in colonial America, such as the drunkenness of locals, religious hypocrisy, andeven had views about the fashion for hoop petticoats. Life in colonial America was FULL of worthy news stories, as it is today. Why, then, the whimsical, light-hearted stories? Perhaps it is because, in times of stress, financial instability, homelessness, war, famine, earthquakes, storms, poverty, and uncertainty (sounds like the Biblical last days when you read it like that, doesn't it?), perhaps in times like these, we NEED a bit of humor as a distraction to all of the "real news" surrounding this delightful article. "Waste of time" indeed! Some people just aren't happy unless they are complaining about something, I guess. Those people miss out on a lot of joy in life, I imagine. So sad. "

another Oprah observation wrote on Mar 15, 2008 11:02 AM:

" I think it is hilarious how so many good Christians think Oprah is such a godsend and will sing her praises, yet condemn others for living in sin while they think its OK for her to be shacked up with her boyfriend. I guess morality is different if you are a gazillionaire. "

rational dislike wrote on Mar 15, 2008 1:12 PM:

" The difference is that this article is not funny, in spite of being stupid. "

thank you wrote on Mar 15, 2008 1:31 PM:

" Thanks for a great piece. Kinda reminded me of Andy Rooney. By the way, I'll bet that Oprah will regret her public support of Obama.It is a great example of a person (see... I didn't say liberal!) responding to emotion without knowing the actual facts about people and issues. Usually when the Hollywood left opens their mouth regarding political issues they only demonstrate their lack of knowledge and common sense. "

Arghhhhhh wrote on Mar 15, 2008 2:53 PM:

" Rational dislike brings up a good point that not everyone finds the same thing funny. There's also those people who find nothing at all funny. Those are the ones you need to stay away from. They'll drag you down with them if you're overexposed to their Eyoreness. So Pooh on you Mr. Poopypants. "

Oprah a godsend??!!??? wrote on Mar 15, 2008 5:10 PM:

" In reference to the post by "another Oprah observation" above, good grief! Where did that attack come from??!!!??? WAY out in left field, THAT'S for sure! FYI, I am a "Christian", how "good" is left for God to judge because I'm just a forgiven human that screws up daily, and the Bible says that only God is good. Anyway, I know a lot of "Christians", and can't think of a single one of them that considers Oprah a godsend OR sings her praises. I have seen and heard them sing praises to JESUS daily for over 50 years, but not a single song of praise to Oprah on any day of the week. True Christians love everyone, no matter who they live with, or how they behave. It's the sin that is in question, not the person that sins. Anyone that calls themselves "Christian", yet judges and condemns others will probably hear, "Leave Me, I never knew you." on Judgment Day. That being said, please lighten up. This article was just all in fun, and I'm pretty sure that it wasn't meant to be the foundation for a soapbox for haters and complainers. "

SUB ZERO WINS! wrote on Mar 15, 2008 11:55 PM:

" DOG SHOW!!!!!!!!!!DOG SHOW I heard Kirk Roland on the KLOG morning show one time do a thing from SNL.It was rad! Molly Shannon and Will Ferrell were in it. Remember that one? "

Ophelia Quotfozzle wrote on Mar 17, 2008 10:49 AM:

" Forgive me, I'm late to this party, and for interesting reasons. Notice I didn't claim an excuse, but I will state my reasoning. I appreciated the article, however, the comments, not so much this time. I'm fully aware of the vitriole so apparent within the reader comments, and had felt that I was prepared for whatever I would encounter here. Not so. It's taken me a few days to consider all the feelings I have regarding the comments. I find, as usual, Cal's comments amusing, and, as this piece displays, a viewpoint into his own psyche, for which he makes fun. Not so for many readers. I find myself troubled by so many who condemn those who've made a place in the world where they are enormously successful, and she (Oprah) herself, apparently quite happy. Most of us are, by contrast, petty, spiteful, and perhaps most importantly, unhappy in our own lives. We are a society of victims, and we tend to turn on other victims who've done well, broken out of their circumstances and become better for it, whether by internal character restructure and/or deeds for others in need. Oprah appears to have done both. I wish others could see clear toward the same goals. Blessings to all that you may accomplish similarly.
But Cal - you funny man! "

sea wrote on Mar 20, 2008 7:02 PM:

" I have an irrational dislike for Jim Mora. I just can't stand the stupid looking twit! "

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