Chatterless baseball? Now, that's an easy out.
Tuesday, June 5, 2007 7:14 AM PDT
By Rick S. Alvord, columnist
Printable version
E-mail this articleMr. Knox, our circa-1970s Little League coach in the baseball hotbed known as Clatskanie, taught us the art of "chatter" at the tender age of 10.
"Hey battuh-battuh! Battuh-battuh! Hey battuh-battuh ... swwwing bat-TUH!"
Good baseball chatter was part of the youth game, a requirement if we expected to remain in good standing with our mentor.
Mostly, it was a lot of "hey battuh!" and "swwwing bat-TUH!" But sometimes we freelanced into other chatter dimensions.
"Can't hit, can't hit, can't hit! C'mon, Jimbo, you got em! Battuh can't hit, can't hit, can't hit ..."
And who can forget this oldie but goody: "We wanna pitcher, not an underwear stitcher!"
It was harmless stuff. Nothing mean-spirited, racial or controversial. Just a bunch of scatter-brain lip quips from pint-sized ball players who were out to have fun, win games and devour sno-cones (not necessarily in that order).
Stroll into any local youth park and you'll hear it ---- the buzz that is baseball chatter, a bunch of pre-hormonal voices yammering in unison.
Things aren't quite so loud in the 23,000-player Knothole Youth Baseball Club of Cincinnati and Northern Kentucky. That's because league officials have banned chatter, unless it is "positive" and directed at your own team.
Oh no. Are we really going there?
Let's observe a moment of silence for the death of another time-honored American tradition.
Knothole president Dave "Dr. Feel Good" Epplen explained his decision this way: "If you're saying, 'Swing batter,' and this poor little kid is swinging at everything, he feels bad and maybe he turns to the catcher at gets mad. Honest to gosh, I didn't have any trouble doing this."
Players or coaches found to be in violation of the new rule will first be warned, then suspended for one game and ordered to watch a week's worth of "Dr. Phil."
What if a player is caught spitting? Is that still OK? What about scratching? Is that a two-game suspension?
The chatter ban was implemented in the Political Correctness Division of Epplen's Self Esteem League after a brawl involving adults last year at a 14-year-old game. It was necessary, proponents say, because some individuals were elevating their chatter into something completely different ---- such as taunting.
Apparently it's not enough these days to tell the pitcher he's got a rubber arm. Now somebody has to tell him that he sucks, too.
As a society, we've lowered our expectations on what's acceptable behavior for our youth. Nobody wants to tell them to shut up anymore. Go ahead, try. Mom and Dad will be in front of the league president demanding that you be removed from your coaching position faster than you can say "Manny Sanguillen."
They see it on television, where big-leaguers storm the mound to display their machismo because some poor schmuck dared to pitch him inside.
Young athletes imitate what they're seeing from adults, whether it be in person or on TV. Until the grown-ups clean up their act, the harmless chatter will, at times, evolve into disrespectful banter.
But that takes work and serious introspection. No need to bother with that when you can simply create asinine rules about banning innocent chatter, just because a 9-year-old might get upset that the shortstop told him to "swwwing!"
There was a kid on my Little League team who probably hit .085 in his three-year career. Nobody took it easy on him. He'd step to the plate and the chatter started: "Easy out, easy out here. Everybody move in! Easy out, can't hit, can't hit, battuh can't hit ..."
That kid grew up to own a chain of restaurants. Made a million bucks before he was 40. As I recall, he tried his best as a baseball player ---- and failed most of the time.
There's something about failure that builds character. Perseverance is not a dirty word. It prepares you for the deep craters that await down the road.
Why take the fun out of baseball? I say go ahead and let 'em chatter. If somebody crosses the line, shut 'em up and send 'em home.
And if the Knothole league insists on its ban, there are ways for players to continue chattering and still conform with the new "positive" guidelines. Such as:
• "Hey battuh-battuh ... swwwing bat-TUH! But only if you feel good about it."
• "Hey pitcher, your mama wears fashionable flip-flops from Nordstroms!"
• "Hey catcher, we can see your underwear! But they appear to be freshly laundered."
• "The second baseman picks his nose! But check out the lovely silk handkerchief he's got tucked in his back pocket."
• "The center fielder's sister ... uh, she seems nice."
• "Hey ump, are you visually impaired? Perhaps you could use some Visine. It gets the red out. And a nice shade of red it is, sir."
Rick S. Alvord is sports editor of The Daily News. He can be reached at ralvord@tdn.com or 577-2527.
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