Story Photos
 Photo by Associated Press Singer Beyonce is the cover girl of the 2007 Sports Illustrated swimsuit (and music) issue |
Rick Alvord: Hot women and music, music, music
Wednesday, February 21, 2007 7:11 AM PST
By Rick S. Alvord, columnist
Printable version
E-mail this articleI've been wandering around the newsroom for 10 minutes now, wearing a pair of cardboard 3D glasses that were discreetly tucked inside my $6.99 copy of the 2007 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.
My co-workers are starting to stare. A few of them look worried.
The last time I donned a pair of these things was in 1983 when "Jaws 3," starring a young and clueless Dennis Quaid, debuted on the big screen in glorious three-dimensional color.
There's something scary about a shark the size of a Buick bursting out of the deep blue sea, and watching it land in the seat next to you in a dark theater.
As for using 3D glasses to take a gander at a couple of starfish, strategically held chest-high by a topless Yamila Diaz-Rahi on page 178?
That's not scary. That makes you wonder where they found starfish that large.
Uh-huh, it's that time of year again. They've invaded our favorite "sports" magazine with more (!) pictures of scantily clad females ---- some completely unclad ---- lounging on the beaches of some exotic location we'll never visit in our lifetime.
It arrived in mailboxes last week. My bet is that many of the copies were delivered a bit dog-eared, since mailmen need something to read on their lunch breaks, too.
The 3D glasses are required only for a small section in back of the 240-page mega-edition. There's a theme for the rest of the mag, and this one might surprise you.
Ready? Get this: The theme for the 2007 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition is, of all things, "music."
Grammy Award-winning singer Beyonce is on the cover, but the first true chord is struck by supermodel Marisa Miller on page 7, who is nude in the sand ---- a perfectly placed iPod substituting as jet-strip bikini bottoms, her arms covering up the rest ---- listening to "Getting the Picture" by Jimmy Buffet.
Turn the page and there's 21-year-old Tel Aviv, Israel, native Bar Refaeli sporting a string bikini made solely of guitar picks.
Ah, yes! Music! I get it!
Try wearing that little number to the YMCA tomorrow morning.
There are a few less-voyeuristic references to the musical theme throughout the magazine, with Aerosmith, Kanye West, Gnarls Barkley, Kenny Chesney and Panic! At The Disco (that's a rock group, for those of you over 40) each posing with selected beach beauties.
Aerosmith lead singer Steven Tyler is old enough to be Ms. Refaeli's grandfather. Tyler has acid-trip memories older than her.
Model Tori Praver poses with the rappers from Three 6 Mafia on page 72, pretends to strum a guitar while clad in a thong bikini on page 74, then sidles up to a convertible driven by Isaac "Shaft" Hayes wearing a $152 zebra-print string number and high heels on page 76.
Music! Oh, sweet music!
The most alarming photo in the magazine has nothing to do with near-naked supermodels or ancient rockers.
There it is, on page 44 and 45, a reprint of the 1972 Cosmopolitan photo of actor Burt Reynolds, sprawled on a bearskin rug wearing only a smile. His arm, draped in front of his crotch, keeps this thing PG-rated.
What's a 35-year-old naked picture of Burt doing in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition? Well, of course, he's appearing in an advertisement for DirecTV. Oddly, the cigarette dangling from his lips and ashtray positioned near the bear's head in the original photo have been removed, so not to offend anyone.
And the giant patch of pubic hair isn't offensive? Where's the PC police when you need 'em?
Actually, finding a former Florida State running back in this "sports" magazine was kind of refreshing, even if he was naked, furrier than a sasquatch and had a hairdo like Donald Trump.
As I've said here before, I think we can all agree that beautiful women do some wonderful things for swimwear. And, as I've said before, I like women as much as the next guy, unless the next guy happens to be Hugh Hefner.
Women do plenty of marvelous things in the home, business and government. Women are smart, funny and have a higher pain threshold than most of the big, hairy, slobbering, whimpering men I know.
Some women, the really good ones, can learn the infield fly rule. The really good ones also know where Joseph Addai went to college.
Women are the only influence on the planet capable of giving men a reason to shower, shave, use Kleenex instead of their sleeves and change their socks at least four times a week.
Women also have their place in sports. Maybe that's why the practice of dressing them up in exotic butt-floss and publishing fleshy photos of them in America's best sports magazine seems more outrageous than ever.
The only saving grace in this year's Sports Illustrated offering was that Burt Reynolds' naked body wasn't presented to us in 3D.
Now that would be scary.
Rick S. Alvord is sports editor of The Daily News. He can be reached at ralvord@tdn.com or 577-2527.
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