Daily News looks back at 'stupid crooks'
Friday, December 29, 2006 11:35 PM PST
By Leslie Slape
Printable version
E-mail this articleThis year, as always, police reports have been a dependable source of comedy material. Here are some comic moments culled from the crime beat in 2006:
Most popular 'stupid crook' story of the year
February's tale of a Cowlitz County burglary suspect who posted a sign in his Castle Rock house announcing the presence of "stolen stuff" appeared in newspapers from coast to coast and English-language dailies in other parts of the world.
In Kentucky, the headline for the story read: "Note to self: Stop writing notes."
Sheriff's deputies serving a search warrant cracked up laughing when they saw the sign warning "Do not open door & let anyone in! Stolen stuff visible."
"Nothing like helping us figure out what's going on," said a still-chuckling Chief Criminal Deputy Charlie Rosenzweig, who faxed a copy of it to The Daily News.
Despite the misspelling, the sign was accurate. Deputies recovered a cache of guns, antiques, furniture, jewelry and credit cards stolen from at least 12 victims in northern Cowlitz County, and hauled the hapless suspect off to jail.
A few months later, he pleaded guilty to first-degree burglary.
Stupid 911 call, part 1
In January, a Longview woman called 911 at 3:30 in the morning because a fourth of her cake was missing. Having consumed only one piece herself, she was positive a burglar entered her house and ate her cake.
An officer skillfully sleuthed out the culprit: the woman's dog.
Stupid 911 call, part 2
In February, a Castle Rock man called 911 claiming a woman was threatening him with a gun. A Longview police officer left a fatal accident to speed to the scene on Ocean Beach Highway -- only to find that the man invented the story to get officers to come more quickly to his minor accident. The other driver intimidated him, he said.
The officer said, "You mean that older, overweight, sickly woman?"
He said the man replied, "Well, she could have had a gun. You just never know."
He was cited with making a false report -- and for driving without proof of insurance.
'Sometimes they come to us'
Several folks saved officers travel time by committing crimes inside the courthouse.
In February, the security scanner in the Cowlitz County Hall of Justice lobby picked up a clear picture of a baggie in a Kelso woman's purse. Security officers confiscated the baggie -- which held methamphetamine -- and asked her if she had any more drugs.
She reached into her pocket and handed them another baggie.
"We don't always have to be smart to catch them," Sheriff's Capt. Mark Nelson quipped. "Sometimes they come to us."
• In March, a woman came to the Hall to meet a pretrial officer over a misdemeanor theft charge. It wasn't a kegger, but she brought her own beer anyway.
When the courthouse metal detector beeped, security officers asked her to empty her pockets. She pulled a cold one from the front of her pants.
"That's my property!" she yelled when officers confiscated the brew.
Two more beers were in her coat, and a good deal more was already inside her --- she blew .19. People awaiting trial are routinely ordered not to abuse drugs or alcohol.
• In December, a 45-year-old Toutle woman accidentally dropped a bag of meth at the security checkpoint. Security officers said she "just looked sick" when she realized what she did. She admitted she was already high on meth and her plan was to use more after she went to Superior Court, where she was scheduled to appear on earlier charges of meth and weapons possession stemming from an incident in which she accidentally shot herself.
Swift sleuthing, part 1
Deputies didn't require a bloodhound to track down the suspect from a Woodland burglary in April. The homeowner told deputies someone broke into her garage/shop and stole meat and beer. Showing deputies beer bottles with fresh red paint on them, she said she suspected the culprit was the man she hired to paint her deck.
Going through dispatch logs, deputies found an entry from a few hours earlier about a man found asleep on the side of the road not far from the victim's house. The driver who gave him a lift told deputies the man was "covered in a red substance" and "had a bedsheet full of steaks."
"For the highly trained law enforcement officer, that's called a clue," Capt. Mark Nelson deadpanned.
The man insisted he was innocent -- but he 'fessed up after deputies looked in his freezer.
Swift sleuthing, part 2
During the snowy days in late November, a teenage bicycle thief left shoe prints along with clear tracks from the distinctive bicycle tread. Kelso police followed the trail right to the door of the suspect's apartment.
The boy denied stealing the bike, until police showed him the detailed sketch of his tennis shoe tread from the scene of the crime.
Police referred to boy to juvenile authorities for charges of second-degree burglary and third-degree theft.
Not my pants, officer
Some addicts expect police to believe they dress randomly in other people's clothes and never check the pockets.
In July, Longview police arrested a man on suspicion of forgery and found meth in his pants.
"These aren't my pants," he claimed.
In August, Longview police picked up a man on a misdemeanor warrant and searched his pants, finding meth. He also claimed the pants weren't his.
In September, a man walking along Willow Grove Road in the wee hours gave sheriff's deputies a phony name. Deputies arrested him for obstructing and searched him, finding meth in his pants.
What do you know -- he claimed to be wearing somebody else's pants, too.
The epitome of petty crimes
In January, a guy whom Longview police had been seeking for a month on a $50,000 felony warrant for assault decided to help himself to a $1.59 bottle of dishwashing liquid at Olympic Drug. Third-degree theft doesn't come much more petty than this. It wasn't even a new bottle --- it was a partially used bottle from the store's bathroom --- but the tag set off the store's sensor alarm and earned the fellow a ride to the Cowlitz County Jail.
Short-term memory loss at work
A man appeared in court in January, charged with smoking marijuana while on probation.
"Why am I here?" he asked the judge. "I did my time in October for a dirty UA."
The judge patiently explained, "This alleges you did it again in November. You got out of jail, and you did it again."
The man thought a moment, then admitted, "I got a habit, I guess."
Stupid party tricks
In early May, a Seattle-area man partying at an apartment on Douglas Street in Longview called 911 at 12:15 a.m. with a problem.
"Someone put some kind of handcuffs on my leg," he said.
He didn't know who did it or where the key was --- and he was getting anxious because his foot was going numb.
An officer came by and got the cuffs off.
It's not known if the man ever partied in Longview again.
free spirit wrote on Feb 7, 2008 1:19 AM:
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