A burger, a girl and a feat for the ages
Thursday, January 27, 2005 8:11 AM PST
By Rick S. Alvord
Printable version
E-mail this articleSome things are just too difficult to comprehend.
Roger Clemens' ageless right arm, for instance.
How Brad Pitt can tell Jennifer Aniston to hit the road.
Donald Trump's hair.
The Mariners signing Rich Aurilia.
The Huskies going 1-10.
Those things are difficult, indeed. But there are other phenomenons that baffle the mind at an entirely different level.
My mind, at least.
Here's one ...
A few weeks ago, a 100-pound female college student from New Jersey became the first person to meet the Denny's Beer Barrel Pub challenge in Clearfield, Pa.
Kate Stelnick, a 19-year-old pixie, devoured the restaurant's six-pound hamburger ---- dubbed the Ye Old 96er (as in 96 ounces of meet) ---- and five pounds of "fixins" in two hours, 54 minutes. Since the burger challenge was introduced on Super Bowl Sunday in 1998, no one had successfully finished the massive meal in the allotted three-hour time limit.
Not even Eric "Badlands" Booker, a 420-pound "competitive eater." Badlands finally managed to finish the burger on his third attempt, but it took him more than seven hours.
Little Kate isn't a competitive eater. But she did starve herself for two days before driving five hours to Denny's Beer Barrel Pub and ordering the $23.95 burger.
The Ye Old 96er takes 45 minutes to cook. The brave souls ---- gluttons in training? ---- who order it are not allowed to use utensils while eating the burger and fixins, which include one large onion, two whole tomatoes, one-half head of lettuce, a pound of cheese, top and bottom buns, and a cup each of mayonnaise, mustard, relish, banana peppers and pickles.
For her effort, Kate received a certificate, T-shirt and didn't have to pay the bill.
What, they didn't throw in a free visit to the hospital to have her stomach pumped?
Picture yourself at Thanksgiving dinner. Your plate is loaded down like a pack mule with turkey, mashed potatoes, dressing, yams (with melted marshmallows, of course) and peas.
What does all of that food weigh? Maybe a pound?
Try eating 11 pounds of food in three hours, like little Kate did.
The mind-boggling question here is: Where do skinny people put it all? It's downright disgusting.
If a 420-pound man named Badlands can't handle the Ye Old 96er, what hope do the rest of us fat guys have?
Here's another one ...
Back in September, at the start of football season, I came up with a brilliant scheme to take a couple of giant pizzas off the publisher of this newspaper.
Sure, Pete York signs my paycheck, so it's necessary to maintain a certain level of respect for him. Plus, he's a nice guy, so it's easy to like him.
That said, I still figured he was an easy target for a pizza bet.
The challenge was on. Each of the three experts in the sports department would take turns picking the winners of 15 football games each week against Mr. York.
Our boss is fairly knowledgeable when it comes to football, except when he picks Oregon State ---- his beloved alma mater ---- to win each week, even if the Beavers are playing USC.
So, with the Beaver Factor on our side, one would expect us to be chomping on some of Papa Pete's or Pokey Joe's finest pie right about now.
Instead, we're eating six-pound crow burgers.
Mr. York finished off the so-called experts a few weeks ago, even before the NFC and AFC championship games were played.
What'll it be, sir? Pepperoni? Hawaiian?
Will you consider sharing?
The question is this: How does a guy with so many important things to keep track of muster the skill to defeat his three sports experts in the first installment of the Pizza Bowl?
And do we try the same bet again next year?
And while we're at it ...
Does anyone else out there find it difficult to watch an entire NBA game on television, from start to finish?
It used to be that even if you followed the NBA on a casual basis, you could name most of the good players on each team. Nowadays, that's impossible.
Did you know that someone named Raul Lopez led the Utah Jazz to victory against the Sonics last night?
Yeah, Raul Lopez.
It doesn't matter what the NBA tries, because its circa-2005 product is geared for video-game and sneaker sales first, and the casual sports fan is a distant second.
The question is this: If Raul Lopez is a star, shouldn't all gym rats from Woodland to Vernonia be sending out video to every team in the NBA?
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got an application to fill out.
If Kate Stelnick has any plans to become a competitive eater, I want to be her manager.
Donna Mcdaniel wrote on Feb 22, 2008 4:48 AM:
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