Story Photos
 Photo by Bill Wagner Mary Ann and Rick Nelson on Tuesday discuss how they reacted when their son, Jake, told them he is bisexual two years ago. |
Fortunate Son
Friday, December 3, 2004 11:59 PM PST
By Cathy Zimmerman
Printable version
E-mail this articleThey were getting ready to go to Powell's Books in Portland, Thanksgiving weekend, two years ago.
It was a typical trek for the Nelsons -- Rick, owner of the Wahkiakum Eagle in Cathlamet, his teacher wife, Mary Ann, and their young adult children Betsy and Jacob, home for the holiday.
"Jake said, 'Wait a minute; we need to have a talk,' " his father remembers.
Jacob, 24 at the time, brought out a shopping bag full of books ("He knows our learning style," Mary Ann said) and began telling his parents that he's gay.
For countless Americans this year, the holidays will include homosexual relatives and thus the emotions that can come with the territory. For some it means pain and rejection, for others anger and anxiety, for still others the relief of honesty and acceptance.
To acknowledge all of that, and to reach out to those new to the process, the local chapter of PFLAG (Parents and Families of Lesbians and Gays) will hold a one-person play and holiday social this month.
Rick and Mary Ann Nelson will be there. They are now secretary and president, respectively, of Lower Columbia PFLAG, a natural progression in the journey that started two years ago for the Nelsons.
'He'll always have this hurdle to deal with'
"After awhile, it was real clear where he was headed," Rick Nelson said last week, remembering the talk with Jake. "He explained it very well. He had been thinking about this for a long time."
In a separate phone interview from Bellevue, Jake said his mom and dad each told him they loved him right away.
His father remembers that his chest constricted.
"It was a shock," Rick said. "It kind of tightened up my breathing. I was getting tense, thinking, 'Oh man.' "
The subterranean sigh, he said, was not about him but about his son.
"There's so much prejudice, so much bigotry," he said. Jake, who ran track and played saxophone in high school, had been a loner, a self-professed "nerdy geek" who got good grades but didn't socialize.
"I'd always hoped his life would get easier," his father said. "Being different is always tough on kids. And I thought it was a done deal since he went away to college.
"Now, he'll always going to have this hurdle to deal with."
The notion of her son being gay "wasn't a thought of mine," said Mary Ann, who teaches at St. James Family Center in Cathlamet. "Jake was always different, always gifted. ... He didn't date in high school, but that was high school. In college, he had a serious girlfriend."
The revelation was ironic in another sense, she said.
"I was on the church council, and we had been going through a study on homosexuality." Even before Jake's coming out to them, Mary Ann said she encouraged council members to carefully consider the issues of gay pastors and commitment ceremonies.
"I was the one saying, 'We should think about this.' "
As long-time members of Our Saviour's Lutheran Church, she wondered how members of the congregation would react once they knew about Jake. "That's his family, too."
That Thanksgiving Friday, they were too stunned to ask many questions, Rick said.
"He had been thinking about this for 12 years," he said. "But we had a lot of sorting out to do."
The Nelsons did go ahead and drive to Powell's. And thus began a new learning phase in the life of this close family, family that is as thoughtful as it is spiritual.
A long journey to self-acceptance
"I knew from puberty that I was physically and emotionally attracted to both men and women," said Jake, who designs custom computer chips for a Bellevue company and identifies himself as bisexual. "It took me 10 years to get used to it."
Growing up in Cathlamet, he said, "I was really lonely all through school. I closed a part of myself off, so I would only get so close to people. I was the definition of the nerd loner. I did my homework and went on the computer. ... I threw myself into school and athletics.
"I ignored that side of me. It was way too confusing. ...
"In my own family, there wasn't any strong feeling either way" about homosexuality, Jake said. His grandparents are open-minded; the whole clan is intellectually curious.
"I knew what I learned from my parents, what I took away from Sunday School. ... A lot of feelings come from my religion, especially forgiveness and helping people, not being condemning."
Churches were not yet embroiled in the debate over gay ministers and gay weddings, he said. But he "definitely knew there were very strong feelings against" homosexuality, he said.
Jake remembers a boy who came to Cathlamet and was easily identified as gay. "I know people made fun of him and tried to beat him up. He stayed two weeks and left."
In Jake's teen years, it was the computer that provided the first relief from the loneliness, he said.
"That was a really good resource to understand there were other people like me. It was a communication tool when I had no other support system."
At Seattle Pacific College, Jake began to accept the hidden part of himself.
"One of my first professors was a lesbian," he said. "I had never interacted with someone who was out. It struck me how unimportant it was to her. It was just another aspect of who she was."
Being lesbian "wasn't something that defined her, it was just a part of her. It was really eye-opening. ... It isn't something you can choose, who you're attracted to.
"I realized I was strong enough to deal with it. I didn't want to live the rest of my life being lonely."
Starting with friends, then his sister Betsy, Jake let people know he was bisexual -- attracted and able to fall in love with both men and women.
Why didn't he just choose the more accepted path and be done with the hassle?
"Because it would not be dealing with something that makes me me," Jake said. "Denying and pushing down a part of yourself causes a lot of distress. It's really important to be honest with yourself and other people."
He joined the PFLAG group in Bellevue for advice about talking to his parents.
"It took me so long to get used to the idea, and here I was, springing it on them," he said. "I wanted to support them as best as I could."
One of the things he told them, he said, was that "I was the same person I had been a week before; they just knew something else about me.
"They were great," he said. "My dad said, 'You're our son, and we'll always love you.' My mom was concerned with my safety right away."
Jake said mothers are often "quicker to be OK" with revelations about sexual orientation. "Nobody is more passionate about this stuff than a mother who wants to protect her child." At the Bellevue PFLAG, "moms come, and dads don't. Or they sit out in the car."
For many men, he said, having a gay son "messes with the idea of how society is supposed to work. It can almost mean you are not a man .... It's really fascinating how different it is for gay men and lesbians, and for mothers and fathers."
Jake said he's lucky to have the support and love of his parents.
"I still know (gay) people who don't speak to their parents. People get thrown out of their houses -- in 2004."
His parents also talked about being fortunate.
"We're lucky he trusted us enough to come and talk to us," Mary Ann said. "He was alone with it for so long. We're a really close family, but he had to be ready before he could come to us."
"We're fortunate we still have our son," Rick said, recalling tragedies in which gay youths have committed suicide rather than reveal themselves.
"There needs to be a whole lot more discussion of sexual orientation," he said, "so it's not taboo. Human sexuality should be part of the school curriculum" to help young people who might be suffering or depressed.
The Nelsons did not have the extreme feelings some do about homosexuality. Still, Rick said, "To be able to come to the PFLAG group, and talk to people who had been through the same thing" was comforting for them. "It is an excellent source of information."
"We're not going to hide out and duck this issue," he said. "I just want Jake to be able to be happy and to have rewarding relationships. ...
"As people come to grips with this, they'll see that being gay is part of humanity, part of the human race. It's natural. Unlike certain elected officials, I know it's not a choice. That's the way you are. ...
"Why should kids have to go through life dealing with this alone? Families need to realize this could happen to them."
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