May the 'Bago rest in peace
Friday, September 24, 2004 8:08 AM PDT
By Gridiron Grump
Printable version
E-mail this articleSay a prayer over your morning bowl of Count Chocula, Grumpie Nation.
The 'Bago died last weekend.
There I was, stalled in the 30th Avenue Taco Bell drive-thru, cranking over a hapless ignition that sounded like Jeff Foxworthy speed-reading the book of Genesis.
A little bit of twang, followed by lots of stuttering.
The pimply-faced kid in the drive-thru window tossed my bag of 7-layer burritos into the 'Bago and told me to exit the premises immediately.
I told the teenage Hitler to "get a life," then flicked over the key.
Nothing happened. Just noise.
"Waa-waa, waang-waang, wee-wee ..."
A line was developing behind the 'Bago. Irritated customers, each of them making a late-night run for the border, were honking their horns in unison.
Soon after, an angry mob developed in front of the 'Bago.
To borrow a line from "Apocalypse Now," when Brando uttered his dying words: "The horror ... the horror."
Four hours later, with the 'Bago piggy-backing a slow-moving tow truck down Ocean Beach Highway, I reminisced about a full quarter-century inside this wonderful machine.
My top three ...
The 1985 Orange Bowl: Dawgfather's Huskies vs. Brian Bozoworth and the Okie Sooners. Parked the 'Bago at the south end of the parking lot around 9 a.m. and tailgated my rear end off for five straight hours. Broke my left arm in a freak "Grump vs. hibachi" accident while playing five-on-five Nurf ball with a horde of 12-year-olds.
The '91 Huskies-Nebraska game in Lincoln: Billy Dough Hobert, Beno Bryant and Big Boy Emtman shucked themselves some corn that night. Too bad the bitter 'Husker fanatics didn't enjoy my postgame 8-track blast of "Bow Down To Washington" as I exited the parking lot. The 'Bago didn't look too nifty rumbling down the freeway spray-painted in bright red.
The '02 Kelso-R.A. Long game at Longview Memorial: To this day, the finest preppie football game I have ever witnessed. Golden Domers prevailed in OT, then pimply-faced teenage fans of the Domers decided to raid the 'Bago ice chest (filled with root beers and Frescas). Those boys were drunk with enjoyment that night.
Well, I suppose that's it. Eleanor says $4,360 is too much to have the ol' fella repaired. Something about "engine blocks" and "transmissions" and a few other complicated grease-monkey words.
Today, we will take a taxi ride to one of Cowblitz County's finest 'Bago outlets and make an offer on a brand-new 26-footer. We've been saving for this day ---- about $6,700 in all. That much cash, plus our trade-in, should be enough to avoid 'Bago installment payments.
We'll keep you posted on how the shopping goes.
Memo to all money-grubbing 'Bago salesmen out there: Don't try any funny stuff with Da Grump. And if you plan on trying to sell me the "undercoat" package, you can just think again, boys.
In the meantime, I'll remind y'all that I'm 30-10 through three weeks of picks, following last week's brilliant 12-3 effort.
Pay attention, class ...
PREPS ...
Kelso at Washougal: The Golden Domers just keep cranking away. That defense is more solid than John Kerry's hair spray. Ol' Dougal may be 3-0, but the Doogs haven't seen the likes of the Steel Kilt yet this season. Domers 44, Doogie Howser 13.
Camas at Mark Morris: After the Jackies blanked the Paperwads last week, it's the M&Mers' turn to scissor them into shreds. This is where the Baby Blues can make or break their season. A strong defensive effort gets it done. M&Mers 19, Wads 13.
Kalama at Onalaska: Yikes, this is a big one for Phi Jamma Kalama. Don't think it'll be quite the offensive explosion everyone thinks. The horses in the trenches will get it done for 'Nookies, along with some powerful running by Cha-Cha-Chase. Jamma 20, Loggettes 14.
Willapa Valley at Wahkiakum: Ah, a classic rivalry. Mac, Mog and Henifin "git-er-dun" in the backfield, and The Train makes up for last year's 7-0 regular-season OT loss. Mule Train 16, Valley Boys 14.
Rainier at LaSalle: Read in the Daily Scandal Sheet that Coach Thor is quite a mathematics genius. Well, I flunked math six times, so perhaps he could help me pass my GED. Big Green 26, Sally Strothers 20.
COLLEGES ...
Washington at Notre Dame: Picked the Montlake Mess last week vs. LA-LA Land. Dumb, Grumpie, real dumb. These Dawgs couldn't bite a mail man. Touchdown Jesus 31, Fire Gilby Now 14.
Idaho at Oregon: OK, Sprout Heads, what's gonna be your excuse this week? You should beat these guys by five TDs, but of course we thought the same thing about Indiana, didn't we? Ducklings 42, V-Men 17.
Oregon State at Arizona State: Beavos haven't won down in the Valley of the Heat Stroke since 1969, a full 10 years before my beloved 'Bago rolled off that assembly line. Sorry, but the Beavos are deader than my 'Bago. Devil Worshipers 34, Corn Valley 27.
Washington State at Arizona: No problem, Swogger or no Swogger. 'Cats have tiny claws this season. Palouse Power 24, Little Furry Kittens 14.
Clemson at Florida State: The Bowden Bowl, featuring Tommy vs. his geezer old daddy. Sorry, sonny, but your old man still has better players. Stolen Shoes 21, Ugly Orange Uniforms 13.
PROS ...
Green Bay at Indianapolis: Peyton's place is in the 'Dome, and he'll slice the Cheeseheads' secondary like a Beni Hana chef. Colt 45s 28, Pack 24.
Chicago at Minnesota: Scandal Sheet sports scribe Ben Zimmerman has been talking trash all week about his Bears' win over the Cheeseheads last week. Z-Man practices shutting his pie hole this week. Moss Rules 26, Da Bears 17.
Philadelphia at Detroit: Can Joey and the Motor City Meows be for real? We'll see this week. Just can't go against the Donovan-and-T.O. Show. Chunky Soup Team 30, Joey's Team 17.
San Francisco at Seattle: No problem, Hacks. These 'Neeners are downright pitiful. Super Bowl Or Bust 31, Denny's Team 10.
Tampa Bay at Oakland: Gruden returns to the Bay Area for a rude homecoming. Phil Simms' boy stinks worse than Johnson. Al Davis Is A Mobster 17, Bay of Pigs 13.
Gridiron Grump's column appears Fridays in The Daily News during football season. He can be reached at sports@tdn.com
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