Dating violence often overlooked
Saturday, March 27, 2004 12:03 AM PST
By Amy M. E. Fischer
Printable version
E-mail this articleSometimes, there's a thin line between love and hate.
Thirty percent of murdered American girls ages 15 to 19 are killed by someone who claimed to love them, said Jacquie Pancoast, a domestic violence intervention counselor at Change Point in Portland.
Violence between dating teenagers doesn't reap the same attention as domestic violence as a whole. Nonetheless, abuse in teen relationships can have just as serious consequences, Pancoast told an audience of 25 during a domestic violence conference Friday at Lower Columbia College.
One in 10 teens will experience dating violence, and of those victims, 51 percent of girls and 43 percent of boys said they'd been forced to have sexual contact, Pancoast said.
Teen victims often can't avoid their abuser because they go to the same school, she said. Also, adults have legal options for protection from abusers, such as filing a restraining order, that may be unavailable to teens or are possible only with parental involvement.
Adding to that problem: Most teens resist asking parents for help, fearing that their parents would limit their independence and control future decisions, Pancoast said. This makes it difficult for parents who desperately want to intervene, she said.
"You can't sit your teenage daughters down and say, 'This relationship is bad for you. No more,' " Pancoast said. "Then you get that typical resistance and they sneak around."
Parents who suspect their teens are victims of abuse should tell them they don't deserve to be treated badly and show unflagging love and support, said Pancoast, whose own teenage daughter stayed with an increasingly violent boyfriend for a year before she decided to leave.
Domestic violence will continue to happen as long as society focuses on the victim's puzzling reasons for not ditching her abuser, rather than questioning why people become violent with loved ones to begin with, Pancoast said.
Communities can help break cycles of abuse by reaching out to kids in school, she said.
Some men Pancoast counsels have told her if they'd been given the tools as children to recognize abusive behavior, they might not grown up to become batterers. They had been bullies on grade-school playgrounds, they told her, and in high school they controlled their girlfriends -- telling them how to dress and whom they could talk to -- before graduating to violence.
"If nobody catches them on it ... they just fine-tune those skills and become very manipulative," Pancoast said.
You may be a victim of abuse if your partner:
• damages something that belongs to you
• insults you in front of others
• blames you for a bad thing he or she did
• throws things at you
• makes you describe where you go every minute of the day
• physically twists your arms
• slams or holds you against a wall
• bends back your fingers
• bites you
If you or someone you know needs help, call toll-free:
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Portland Women's Crisis Line: 1-888-235-5333
Washington Domestic Violence Line: 1-800-562-6025
Source: domestic violence intervention counselor Jacquie Pancoast of Portland
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